I'm a writer, actress, and director living in Philadelphia. This is a collection of my writing and thoughts on life in Philly.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Hot tears and cold shame
I have been reminded over and over again that my view on reality needs to be adjusted. The reason for this adjustment is mostly due to the fallout from decisions and my sarcastic (unfunny) sense of humor about those decisions. I tend to (always) make things worse by talking about them. In my family we call this foot in mouth disease. As in open mouth insert foot, open mouth wider insert other foot. Some people are amazingly good at verbal processing; sure they might wander about a bit, but stream of consciousness is usually entertaining and to the point. I’m not at all like this. I process internally and sometimes only when I write them out. Often when I speak before I have a firm thought, my words make no sense. In conversation my thoughts or questions may seem out of the blue or totally out of place. Emotions, fear, sleep deprivation, and being sick bring out the worst of this.
So when I tried (read failed) to express my annoyance at my lack of self control at the St. Patrick ’s Day parade this past Sunday, my friends were a little confused. I tend to use harsh language when disappointed with myself. This harsh language is often me being dramatic, sarcastic, or just silly. I also tend to make stupid, unfunny, confusing comments that lead to weird outcomes. I also found it impossible to answer questions that were being thrown at me, because I couldn’t process them. Or the response I wanted to say, didn’t seem to be able to get itself out of my mouth. To make things worse; a need to express annoyance and need of growth, ended in tears and a feeling of shame about the whole thing that had not existed before. True the correction which my friends gave me was true and totally understandable in the situation. I can understand their reaction and the words they spoke were true. The fact that that correction caused tears on my side was a surprise and annoyance. I hate crying and I do it a lot more than I care to admit.
When I don’t expect a reaction I try to figure out where it is coming from. I wondered if internally I was feeling a lot more shamed and guilty then I thought. Some of it was probably because I made a choice that I’m not happy with. Like every bad choice there are consciences (namely throwing up green mint shake from McDonalds, followed by a feeling that my insides were imploding). But there are other consciences that could have happened and did not (thank God). I realized after getting back to my apartment, after making a fool of myself and crying, that I was more shamed that the idea of being corrected. I felt like I was back in my childhood facing my mother, who was asking me a simple question. I knew the answer of the question, but couldn’t express myself in the face of her domineering spirit. Frustrated I tried and failed to prove that I was smart, only to be corrected and see the disappointment on her face.
Yes this reaction is stupid and silly and unfortunately very real. I’ll be the first to tell you that I need more faith, more hope, more joy and more God. I’m just too good at making a mess of simple straight forward communication. Add in my stubbornness and you’ve got someone who needs a lot more grace and probably more loving correction. Even if it is just so I can grow in how I react. Or maybe I just need a therapist.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment