Death as Part of Life

I've been to a lot of Funerals. I guess that part of life is death. I'm not actually sure what the first Funeral was that I went too. It was probably my Great Grandmother's when I was just a baby. The first one I really remember was my Grandma's. She was all laid out in her Favorite Baby Blue dress with little white dots, it was her best dress, one she wore to special occasions.

This past weekend my family said goodbye to my Great Uncle. He was a Philly Native, growing up in Kensington during the great depression. I have very shaky memories of him through the years. He was a cool guy, someone who loved golf and family and hosting guest. The last time I saw him the Parkinson had taken its toll, but he still had his sense of humor. The great thing about this weekend was that we were saying goodbye, by remembering who he was. Remembering is both hard and easy. Hard because we had lost someone close to us. Easy because its hard to forget.

I find the stories the most interesting part of any Funeral or Memorial Service I go to. Stories of people I thought I knew, but find out something new about them after they are gone. Stories of someone's youth, when I knew them only when they were far older. Some seem closer to what writers obsessed with the American Dream would write, how someone over came this or this to get this. Stories that make you laugh and cry at the same time. Character traits that make you smile when you see them in children or other family members.

Its hard to say goodbye, but its also necessary. I guess the best part of this weekend was not just saying goodbye, but also saying hello. Funerals seem to become family reunions. I don't see a problem with this. I re-met several cousins who I have not seen since I was in Middle School. Maybe that is the best part, someone may have moved on, but we come together to say goodbye. And that coming together is the best part and the most honoring to the person who is gone.

Weeds

There are a whole lot of weeds
yes, oh yes
but they are small so
I can tell them from the flowers
which I planted three weeks ago
I hate waiting
but I don't want to pull up flowers
so I'm letting the weeds grow
for now...

Creative and Analytical

What gives? The two sides of my brain are at war again. My creative right brain is feeling trapped and desperate, while my analytical side is getting frustrated with excel and equations that don't work.

I'm actually not sure if my brain has ever been peaceful. Depending on which side is winning totally determines how I am feeling. The only time there is peace is when I so how find a way to work both side to exhaustion, and that is extremely difficult. Most of the time I think of myself as a Creative being. I guess I've always thought that is the side of me that is cooler. Seeing as it is the analytical side of me that is feeding me at the moment, I guess my perception of coolness is not really the important thing to pay attention too.

And it is not as if I am no longer using my Creative side. I'm just making it work for the Analytical side. And the Analytical side is a cruel master. Of course it used to be the other way around, my Analytical side was playing slave to my creativity. And although my Creative side is not cruel, it can be totally random and fickle, which is the worst kind of torture for my Analytical side.

Of course in a little bit, they are both going to forget their argument to make full bore war on Excel and Windows insanity that they call software. To waylay battle from breaking out I need to figure out how to write an equation that can take the user ID and pull the correct name that belongs to that name from one sheet into another. Otherwise I might actually loose my brain completely... it is a possibility, honestly.

Monologue on Rain

I wish it would Rain

Carol: a Mid-Twenty year old Women

Carol: My mother says that when I came into the world it was raining, she said it was for good luck. It rained the day that I was married and everyone said that it was good luck. My mother lied. Everyone lied. Rain is not good luck. Its just weather, it can't be good or bad. Right now, I want the rain. I want it to be dark and stormy. Weather to match my emotions.

I found out yesterday that my ex-husband was back in town. No I have not seen him yet. I'm just wishing that I had decided to move to Cali. But I had no reason too, just a feeling. Maybe I should listen to my feelings more. god I wish it would just rain! Its been nice and sunny and kind of hot for the last two weeks. Perfect weather, no hint of something bad happening. See you can't trust the weather. On days when it should be wonderful and cheerful, like weddings, it rains.

I just hope my ex takes his time finding out where I am. I don't really fancy running into him and having a scene. I don't want to see him at all. But James, James can't resist bothering me. He just has to try to get me to come back to him, not that I ever would. He, he's, he's just such a bastard, you know? He's pig headed and annoying and he has that great way of looking right through you and making you want him and needing him. Its been that way since high school. Of course it does not matter that he is never faithful, never was, because you just need him so damn much. god I sound pittiful. I HATE JAMES!


(cell phone rings) Bet that's him. (lets it ring) I am not answering the phone, I'm not. (answering machine picks up) "Thanks for calling, Please leave me a message and I'll get right back at ya"

god...

James (on phone): Hey Carol babes. Pick up Please, (pause) ummm Guess what? I'm in town... I thought maybe you would like to meet me for drinks at 9pm? you know just bullshit about the old times, have some fun. Carol, please pick up baby. baby? Right, I'll see you at 9 at Old Joe's

Carol: I never realized how pitiful he sounds on the phone. Must be his new wife is not as great as he thought she would be. I know for a fact that it was sunny at their wedding. Not that it matters. Damn you James, you can go have a drink on your own. I'm fine. I'm just fine right here.

The End of the World

There is a group of people here in Philadelphia who are convinced that the end of the world is going to happen on May 21st. I keep passing them on street corners, when ever I'm in Center City. People have quite their jobs and spent their savings, because surely there is no need to worry about anything after the 21st. Even if the end of the world was going to happen I wonder if this is the right reaction. Martin Luther said that "If I knew the world would perish tomorrow, I would still plant my apple tree today"

I wonder if we all thought that tomorrow was our last day on earth if we would actually do something different. Is there any reason to plant an Apple Tree if tomorrow is the last day? Is there any reason to go to work, to eat healthy, to not spend all your savings on a crazy vacation. I also feel like you would not suddenly decide to get plastic surgery right before the End of the World, but maybe that's just me.

In reality people who decide they some how figured it all out and can 'know', really piss me off. First of all they give regular (if there is such a thing) Christians a horrible rap. Second Jesus himself said he did not know when it would happen. If God's son does not know. How in the world are we suppose to?


The writer side of me is kind of wanting to write a monologue from the mind set of one of the followers. I'm a little scared of the idea though.

Making Plans

I've always thought that I not really a 'making plans' type person. I'm more of a 'sure that sounds good', 'I think that this what I should do', type person. I'm not really an 'A' type personality. I just too laid back most of the time. But I have realized that I do make plans, I make them all the time. I'm going to Boston in May, already basically planned out, tickets bought. I was annoying my mother for weeks before the decision on whether we were going or not. I might not know the plan for the rest of the weekend (I'm really ok with that), but I have planned basically to not have a plan. And I know that there will be some structure that weekend, I'm just not the person in charge of planning that structure.

Planning I guess is a good thing. The problem is when I plan without seeking God first. I tend to forget (willfully) that He is a part of everything I do, because He is a part of everything. It more like I'm telling God what I'm doing.

Take my dreams. These are not set in stone plans, but they are hopes. Like I'd like to get married and have kids. I have one friend who had a plan to be married at 25, kids by 27... I could never be that defined. But I do dream. Grant it some of my dreams are crazy and unlikely,like winning a Olympic medal or becoming a world renowned playwright (still hoping for that one). But I don't let God in on my dreams and hopes either. I keep finding these places in my life were I've basically told God he's not allowed. We always talk about God closing doors and windows, but maybe its not God, maybe its ourselves.

Last night the bible study I'm a part of took a good amount of time talking about our plans and our pride. We're studying James, just finished chapter 4. We actually read a verse that always makes me think of Shakespeare, 'You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes' (James 4:14b). I always figure the Bard stole from James for MacBeth's line 'Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more.'

So to get back to my plans. My plans are not really mine and more importantly, they are Gods.

Love Your Enemy

Bin Laden is dead.

And "Justice has been served" or at least that is what Obama said. But I have to wonder what kind of justice was it? I am not trying to degrade the work of the women and men in that armed service. I have a great respect for Navy SEALs. But I do have a problem with this form of Justice. This does not bring any kind of closure for me.

Back in 2001 I would not have written this. I would have been happy and felt very patriotic about Bin Laden getting what he deserved. I would probably be outside with others waving flags smiling. Yet if I had imagined this moment before, this is not how I would have pictured it. Yes Bin Laden deserved death, he deserves worse then death, but are we the ones to decide that?

Over 2000 years ago a man walked this earth and asked his followers, a poor rag tag group, to love their neighbor. And a neighbor is not just the person we want to love, someone who is easy to love. For Jesus' followers it was the taxes collectors and Romans. For me it is Bin Laden. And I'm praying for my enemy's soul today. Why? Because I've realized that he is not that much different or worse then myself.

Sure I have not been the mastermind behind any terrorist attacks. Sure I'm not the leader of a radical group that had killed thousands of innocent lives. But then again I'm not all that much better. Think about it. There are millions of thousands of people in this world. I have clean water that will not make me sick. I have enough status to be in thousands of dollars worth of dept (mostly from a College education). I'm healthy. And most of all I'm totally unfeeling about the suffering of my fellows, even if they live on the same block. I'm sore still from the 12 hour day I worked on Saturday (creating a community garden at my church). Work that alot of the worlds population do every day of their lives, just to survive. Sure Bin Laden was worse, a lot worse. But we are still called to love him.

I guess what really bothers me is not that he was killed, I supose it could be argued that many other lives will be saved by him being killed. What really bothers me is that this is suppose to cause some sort of closer for 911. I found closer for that years ago, trusting in God's love and power. Sure I'm still very sad that so many lost their lives that day and I'm grateful that people I know did not die that day (namely an Aunt who just happened to not be at work that day). Why should death of the 'bad' person bring us closure. Should it not be the life that is created after the destruction, the will and soul of the people who stand up against wrongs?

When did we become so blood thirsty and justified?