Almost There

I've been writing a novel for just over a year. Its a crazy kind of life ubsorbing exercise. Its strange how at times writing the story has taken over my life. I read articals and decide whether it is something I can use or not for the story. I think about the characters, dream about what they would say, what they are thinking. At other times my mind wanders away over unexplored fields of creativity and other possibilities. I have to harken back to the story.

I reached the 70,000 words mark last night. Its a scary place to be. Most novels are in the 100,000 and above range. Meaning that in 30,000 words I will be reaching the end of this story and prehaps the largest writing project I have under taken. But reaching the end of the goal is only part of what makes me fearful. When I'm done with the first draft, I'm going to be editing and re-editing and re-writing. As hard as it is for me to make myself write, making myself edit is even harder. Revisions can make you hate the thing you've created, make you despise your writing style. Things that sounded cool in your head, haven't actually translated to the page and you can't seem to make them cool even after the 8th try. Something that was funny earlier is stupid on the 11th time through. And somehow you have missed not one spelling mistake through all of your revisions, but hundreds.

I'm excited and terrified also because one I'm actually done with this monster in the guise of a book, I must share it. I must release it to the wild, where it will be torn at, starved, and possibly die. And even though I try to not think about the future, I wonder if this will be my chance to move from

mediocre nothingness, to recognition. Do I dare to hope or dream of fame? Do I dare wish?

So I continue to write and everyday brings be closer to the realization that this thing that I am creating can't just live on my computer, it must join all the other volumes of written words, good and bad and very ugly. I'm not going to let my fear control me and stop me. I must continue on this path... but I question my mental stability.

'Almost there' I tell myself. I'll worry about the consequences of wishes and hopes later. If this book never gets published, it will live as a testiment of the possibility and work of my creativity. If it is publishes and tanks, I can learn from that. I dare not think what will happen if it does well, but my deep hope is for this. Almost there... 

Dreams

Broken windowed, paint peeled back o'r rotten wood
An elegant victorian, cut into sundry dens
domestic shouting matches, blaring rumble

wind rattles through, chases itself back out

hidden deeds, bruised faces, bartered food stamps

trash in heaps upon floor, smothering

many wrinkles on young haunting faces

dirt, sweat, lust perfumed bodies

bitter endings and darker beginnings

cigaret butts reducing on the porch
like my dreams, soon blown away, still burning

Weekend Aimlessness and Lent plans

Nemo, the storm not the Pixar animated fish, hit the east coast Friday. Philadelphia barely got an inch. I was expecting at least 3 inches. So I decided that I would concentrate on my knitting this past weekend and stay safely inside on Saturday. Although I did do a lot of knitting, I also did a lot of sleeping, watching Netflix and playing mahjong. The problem I am running into constently, is that I need a plan on the weekends. I need to have a list of things to do, or I will do basically nothing.

Yes sleep is important. Yes knitting is productive. Yes I was very busy at church Sunday morning and I did go shopping for the homeless feeding on Friday. However, I feel like I accomblished little and did less. Saturday was mostly me sleeping in and taking a four hour nap. I didn't do any writting. And I feel like I was completely aimless.

This is a problem. As much as I can make plans and tell myself I have to do more then just watch Netflix after work. All I seem to do is watch netflix after work. So I have decided that I need to do something drastic for lent. During Lent I will not be watching movies or TV, not on Netflixs or on Hulu or on the TV. I won't purchase movies on Itunes. This might seem silly, but I'm rather addicted to media at the moment. I need to write. I need to actually read the books that I keep saying I should read. I need to stop aimlessly wondering around my room with no purpose. What better time to gain purpose then during Lent. So starting Wednesday no more online video and more productivness...

Tonight's plan? Binge watch Doctor Who and finish my knitting project.

Grocery Store Panic

Everytime there is a major storm in Philadelphia several things happen.

1) Everyone comments on how bad its supose to be.
2) Every grocery store is inidated with crazy people who think that end of the world is coming tomorrow and they need to buy as much food as possible.
3) Traffic gets worse, even if the storm hasn't hit yet.

In particular for Snow storms:

4) In the winter every girl on Penn's campus pulls out their uggs, which are laughably horrible as snow boots.
5) I start doing a snow dance and cross my fingers for huge amounts of snow. (my roommates, philly friends, and co-workers hate me for this).
6) I wonder if I have the money to go up to my parents house and go skiing (I never do).

But of all the crazy things that storms in particular bring to philly the run on the grocery stores is perhaps the most ridiculous. People don't just pick up the basics, water, milk, bread, cans of soup. No they clear out the store. Ice Cream and beer are my favorite storm foods, but I'm not going to buy twice the amount of food that I can actually eat in a week. Also I'm not going to buy all parishable food. The amounts of yogurt, eggs and shrimp, that people buy is amazing. If we loose electricity and your fridge stops working, what are you going to do? Either put it outside in the snow bank or eat it.  And if its the middle of the summer? Your going to have to throw half of it out.

I understand the need to be prepared. To have food and water. I'm not saying don't prepare. I just don't understand the craziness which is grocery stores in Philly.

The Keep

There is violence in heart and mind
A deep seeded anger, hatred almost
A crumbling keep, void of windows
With many doors, locks outside
I shove the darkness within
And guard with doubt its tenets
But foundations on sand, crumble
Easily do they escape, yet not vacate
And tangled amidst the ruins,
I hold hands, pain my friend
Blood understood as king
Bruises his foot soldiers
Inside crumbling mess of heart
Depression?
The king’s fool smiling, HA

Break My Heart

Restlessly anticipating anguish and doubt
I listen darkness, pain, and longing
ghost fingeres acrossed your skin
pains of memories deeply buried
easier in darkness to hide
stop pretending you're alright

Pray that the heart pain will slacken
Pray that the memories are wrong
Pray that in darkness to keep hiding
Pray, Pray, Pray, Pray, amen

Restlessly contemplating fear and night
pain too deep for reality and truth
a ghost growing inside, angel whispering
'mama, its alright, forgive'
easier in the darkness to hide
stop trembling, it's gentle light

Pray that the heart pain is real
Pray that the memories, right
Pray that in light to find mercy
Pray, Pray, Pray, Pray amen

Restlessly reverie His lovelyness, grace
Listen to the forgiveness which 'round falls
ghosts, demons, angels even, can't know
that pain and love, can commingle joy
Thanksgiving at midnight: pure
Never, ever, give up the fight

Pray that the heart pain is taken
Pray that the memories will fade
Pray that the rightness, compounding
Pray, Pray, Pray, Pray, amen

Binge Watching Netflix and 5 Steps to Actually Writing

I think that technology can sometimes kill creativity. Actually I'm sure that it does. Whether you sit before your TV and watch the marathons of MythBusters or if you watch TV on Hulu or Netflixs, the ability to have something inundate you and get you hooked is endless. I spend a lot of my time watching shows that I kind of care about. And I binge watch them. Episode after episode.

True sometimes I do this while I'm knitting. I find it easier to pay attention to whatever I'm knitting if I have music or something playing in the background. But most of the time my TV watching is just me sitting in front of my mac, watching just one more episode. I do the same with a good book. Just one more chapter, one more chapter and then I'll go to bed. All the time that I spend vegging out in front of my computer, whether on netflix, addicating games, or facebook, I could be spending writing. I could have my novel written by now if I just would sit down and actually write.

So here are my 5 steps to actually writing:

1) When writing on the computer, turn off your internet connection. (This way you can't check email, facebook, or your netflix queue).
2) Before you do anything fun like watching a show, or knitting, or playing just one game on addicating games, write. Get the writing done first.
3)Making writing part of your daily schedule. (I come home, eat dinner, do the dishes, and sit down to write)
4) Commit to writing a certain number of words a day. (I write 1000 words a day, except sunday)
5) Take a day off every week. Nothing helps your brain process and think like a day when you aren't working on a project.

Of course the above is difficult and I am easily distracted and forget. There are many nights when I have been drawn into watching 5 episodes of buffy the vampire slayer, instead of writing my 1000 words. Often I write 1000 words during my lunch break and although I should probably still write that night, I give myself the night off because I've already got by 1000 for the day. Still having some basic rules in place, even if I break them, does help.

Running

There is a strong connection between exercise and my mental wellbeing. After about of month of not working out or doing anything to really get my heart rate up, I went for a run with a friend. It was painful. My lungs hated me. I had a stich in my side. I'm sore. But its amazing how well I slept that night. Weirdly when I write stories, running ends up being a part of how I write and think about my characters. Its part of the reality of the worlds I create. In epics like Lord of the Rings, running is part of the story. The great race of the three hunters in the beginning of the Two Towers. Of course we tend to not thing about that hardness of what the characters are doing. I don't know what the equivalant is, but I have always imagined it was like running a marathon a day for several days in a row. People have done this, it is not impossible. It is however an amazing feat.

I normally think of my characters as either in shape or out of shape. Those that are in shape, could run 3 to 5 miles with very little problem. The out of shape would be hard pressed to do one mile. However, there is a third group, the extordinary. This group could run a marathon today, fight and win agaist 2000 tomorrow, and not appear to be tired. I almost never write about characters that are this outside the normal, possibly because it seems so impossible. I like writing about normal people doing things outside of what they, or others, think they are capable of.

One thing that I have never done is write about a character practicing or working out. But the more I think about it, the more I realize this is a problem. If I want to write about things that are based in reality, I need to make sure that I keep reality in mind. To often I get in the world of a story and I forget about rooting it in some sort of reality. But the reality of the story is so important to the understanding of the reader.

Its like building a house. If you see the foundation of the house once its built, you can't see all of it. You almost forget that it is there. But since the house (story) is built on that foundation, every time you see a bit of the foundation, it shouldn't throw you off, it is part of the house. It belongs with the house and the house belongs on the foundation. Without the foundation, the house would fall apart. So my reality of the world in which I write, of the characters I create must be placed on an understandable, recognizable foundation.