Christmas

So many people don't have a good Christmas to look forward too. Whether it is family strife, arguements, money problems, funerals, and a convergance of a million other things. I figured my Christmas would be short and rushed. I arrived home on Friday and came back to Philly yesterday. Short and sweet, actually that is exactly what it was.

I don't mean to brag but I have been extremely lucky and blessed in my life. I have a sister and two brothers whom I love and get along with great. I have a father and mother who raised me well (despite of everything) and somehow I guess I came out alright. Have have loving grandparents and aunts and uncles. In short my family rocks. Sure Christmas for my family has never been about excess. My family does not have excess. Rather we give out of our need to give. We have more fun gaging each other and giving things that we need rather then things we do not. Such gifts as a box and a stick for the older of my two brothers, from the younger (If you listen to FLN you get the joke). My siblings decided that I needed to do a scavenger hunt... which ended up not being as bad as I thought it would be (there was no duck tape this year). There was also a rock in a box given to the youngest (because he was being a smart @ss before I got home and we did not have any coal). Yet in reality, for me at least, it is more fun to see other's excitement when they see what you gave them.

And I guess that really is what Christmas is about after all. It really has very little to do with Santa or what we give each other, but what God gave us. He gave his son, not to be another good person to tell us what to do or say things like 'love your neighbor'. Rather God gave his son because if he had not, there would be no hope for any of us. Without the Death of that perfect Sacrifice there is not freedom, no love, no hope, no joy.

I hope you all enjoyed your time with your family and had a wonderful Christmas!

No Holidays

(This monologue is meant to be a part of a group of monologues about my family/friends/growing up. Please ask permission before using this Monologue. Thank you)

Young Women: When I was fourteen I was shy and still played make believe with my friends. I was always a daydreamer. I still am a daydreamer. My brain was always, is always wondering far away in the worlds that I have either read about or that I make up. My dreams to no end when I wake up, rather they run behind everything I do during the day. When I was fourteen I was walking the line between childhood and adulthood as awkwardly as anyone. I had wonderfully horrible arguments with my mother about laundry. I had several college age boys hit on me...which at the time went over my head, I still thought boys were weird. I still think boys are weird.

Sometime during that awkward weird time when I was angry and scared and tired and whatever else it is teenagers feel, my Grandfather decided to pass on a part of his 'wisdom'.

Now my Grandparents at that time owned a car dealership. They were well respected members of the community. My Grandfather had grown up at the end of the depression and through World War 2. His older brothers had fought in that war, he had been too young. Instead he helped run the family farm and continually got in trouble for skipping school. My Grandparents on both sides of my family were hard workers, but my fathers parents passed on when I was younger, so they don't hold as strong of a place in my memory unfortunately. My mothers parents are still very much alive, and probably more active than I am. My Grandfather flies air planes, he even built the plane he currently flies. My Grandmother gardens and cooks and tons of other things.

Anyways, lets get back to when I was fourteen. I was hanging around the dealership one Saturday. My grandfather decided that it was time that I learn how to wash a car. For anyone who knows car dealerships, detailing cars is a big part of what they do. Before a car is handed over it is washed and vacuumed and made to look like new, even if its not. I was nervous about washing cars. My grandfather is a very strict man, kind but strict. He walked me through the basic steps, told me to not take any holidays, and left me with his red truck.

Let me explain what a holiday is. Its when you miss a place while you are washing the car. This place might have been wet, but because you never scrubbed it, when the car dries, you can see the 'dirty' place. Basically a holiday. I had heard this saying thousands of times, 'No holidays' I was terrified that I would leave a holiday. So I washed his truck three times before I let him come and see it.

Of course the real wisdom of the idea of 'no holidays' is deeper and farther reaching then washing cars. Although I don't think I ever thought of it that way when I was fourteen. At fourteen it was just about making sure I did a really good job washing that truck, so my Grandfather would not find fault. Yet every job I have ever worked I keep that in mind. 'No holidays' No taking a break or doing a half ass job. No missing something that seems unimportant or doing only part of the work. If you are going to do something do it, full force, to the best of your ability. If something is worth doing its worth doing right. I'm sure you have all heard that saying. Well for my Grandfather is means 'no holidays'. I wish more people had that kind of wisdom and actually enacted it. The world would be a better place.

Head Cold

I am sick. I have to work. I had an interview this morning. Its Monday. And most of all I am sick. I went home Friday with the start of a head cold. Saterday I was suprisingly productive for someone so sick. I did dishes, went grocery shopping, made really amazing beef stew and bisckets (my lunch today) and I did laundry. Sunday I went to church and was truely a bum the rest of the day. Minus the making of French toast for dinner. I'm hoping and praying that my cold is over before I go home for X-mas.

At least I have a couple of cool things to look forward to this week. Christmas Party at work tomorrow afternoon. Thursday My sister and brother are coming down, Friday I get to go home, and Saturday is Christmas! I just hope that I can make it through this week and the next. Holidays are always crazy!

Friday

Todays lunch probably reaches number 2 or 3 on the weird lunch catigory. Its not number one because I am really sure that I have had a weirder lunch at some point in my life. Today I have, squash, spinich, and fruit snacks. Yep thats my lunch. Its not bad, just weird. All I had this morning when I was packing my lunch was leftover squash and spinich. So thats what I brought.

Not sure if anyone else just brings in random leftovers like I do. My Co-workers have gotten used to it. Yesterday I had some really good stir-fry that made the whole office smell really good. Yesterday My co-workers wanted my lunch... well today obviously not.

In other news, tonight a bunch of people from Liberti (the church I go to) and I are feeding the homeless at Logan Square here in Philly. The food is sure to be better then what I had for lunch and we are giving away winter clothing and sing charols. Should be a fun time! The last time I helped at Logan square I froze, but the people were amazing and cool. (I love people watching!). Happy Friday everyone!

The Stone King

Up on the purple mountain tops
above the mist covered valleys
Up where the air is thinner
and the sun harser, colder
There sits a stone carved face
A great king of old it might have been
with a high crown, hawk on wing
Now cracked, crumbled
now shattered, now humbled

Long has he sat staring
off o'er the mountain tops
Long has he been glaring
wondering how he lost
Long has he sat remembering
how once they bowed
how once he was king
Long has he sat
the high crown on his head
the hawk staring with him
off across the purple mountains

One day the rain will dissolve
and wind blow away
what makes him still a king
Some day he'll just be a rock
faceless, crown-less, cold
Up on the purple mountains

(link to picture)

Down by the River, Where the Water is Deep

Down by the Jordan
Where the river is deep
I went to wet my feet
I went to find a savior
Down by the Jordan
Where the river is deep

Take me, down, down, down
To the river
Take under, under, under
that cold water
Bring me up white as snow
And together we will go
O'er the Jordan, Onwards to Heaven
Oh my Brother and my sister
Down by the river
where that water is deep.

Take me, down, down, down
To the river
Take under, under, under
that cold water
Bring me up white as snow
And together we will go
O'er that water, Upwards to Heaven
Oh my brother and my sister
Come to the river
where the water is deep.

Numbers

Holiday Parties invited too: 3
Holiday Parties attended: 1
Holiday Parties still to go: 2
Random drinks w/ co-workers: 1
Random breakfast w/ roommate and friends: 1
Snow on the Ground: 0
Snow in the air: 1(flake this morning, that's it so far).
Hours my Sister and brother are driving to pick me up: 4 1/2
Hours to get home: 4 1/2
Presents Purchased in Stores: 5
Presents ordered online: 1
Presents yet to arrive by mail: 1
Presents wrapped: 2
To be wrapped: 4
Amount of wrapping paper left: 0
Number of Stockings on Mantle: 4
Number of Christmas trees in apartment: 0
Days Until Christmas: 12
Days Until I go home: 11
Days Until I go crazy: -13

Going Home

I'm going home, home, home,
the place were my haunts
are connected to trees,shadows,
and hollows in the ground.
Where the ghost of my younger self
still plays eternally, never to grow up

I'm going home, home, home,
where images of that ghost
lines the hallway smiling
through pictures kept in glass and wood
Where memory is visually, yet vague
time trapped unmovable and frosted

I'm going home, home, home
to find that ghost and steal it
steal its creativity, its life, its dreams
to steal the child that hides in me
Where my heart was hardened
against the past, to empower myself

I'm going home, home, home
where my history began
where my pain started and ran
ran away, ran inward, ran on and on
Home to where my ghost lives
where I was happy once.

I'm going home, home, home
to the only place I never belonged
to the place my heart lives
to the where my smiling picture
reminds me of my planned future
reminds me of where I went wrong

I'm going home, home, home
and yet, and yet, and yet
I am not going all the way
Not as deep as I could go
Rather I am visiting, touching
barely the past of joy and peace

Truly going home, home, home
would mean forgiving, forgetting
would mean mercy and love
would mean killing that ghost child
Where is my true home?
Where can I really go?

I'm going home, home, home
Not to where my ghost lives
Not to where my haunts remain
rather onward I will tread
Where angles 'round the thrown
sing about the grace of the Lord.

I'm going home, home, home
To the one in whom I belong
To where my history lives now
Where I am present and past and future
Where God's grace and mercy
Live in and all around me.

I'm going home, home, home
To the place where my soul belongs
where the soul comes from
Then only then, will I have peace
and heal the wounds of that other place
Take me away! Take me up there
For I'm going home, home, home...

Nearer the Veil

Bring me closer to the veil
closer to the thin spot between
Between heaven and earth
help me find the thin places
places were I can get closer
deeper, nearer, holier
Bring me closer to the veil

You came to earth,
You took on flesh
You alone came down
Through the veil,
Through, heaven, earth, and hell
You tore the veil
between God and men.

So draw me up, draw me close
Let nothing hide your face.
tear the veil that separates
with your blood
make a path between.

Possible Job

I have been working as a temp agent for a software company for about 11 months now. Of course for sometime now I have been hoping to get hired full time by the company (meaning they would buy out my temp. contract). Well, cross your figures, it might actually happen soon. I would be moving from customer support to the Social Media Coordinator position (which means lots of Twitter and Facebook for me). Its actually something that I have a great deal of interest in. There is something kind of fun about connecting with people and sharing information over social media.

Social media is such an interesting new part of the human interaction. My grandparents would never have dreamed of email when they were kids growing up at the end of World War 2. The fact that we can 'friend' people on a Internet page and keep track with calling or writing a letter is a little weird to them even now. And that does not even touch upon how 'connected' we have all become. On Facebook I have over 300 friends (I know people with a whole lot more), most of these friends are people from school, church, or work. A few are friends of friends of friends who I've met once and have not seen since. On Twitter (which I joined in early this past summer), I have almost 30 followers. Meaning that there are actually people out there who care what I can say in 140 characters.

Actually its Twitter that I find so amazing. When I first started I thought that it was a rather random way to connect to people and get information. Now I love it. I learn so much from the articles posted by all the random news organizations that I am following. I'm also amazing how easy it is to promote things through Twitter. For some of you, you found this post because I Tweeted it (or maybe through Facebook). Everything is connected, everything feeds into everything else. I don't read a news paper (I mean the printed kind), I don't watch news on the TV (some times I'll watch something short online), yet I feel decently well informed about a lot of what is going on.

I guess the real questions is... Is social networking a good thing? Go ahead tell me what you think. (Personally I think its OK as long as it is not the only means of communication, but your comments are still welcome.)

Family Stories (Monologue 1)

(Below is a monologue from a collection that I am writing. The idea is that each short monologue makes up one show. Yes they are loosely based on real life situations with my family. Please ask permission before performing this monologue, thank you.)

Setting: Two chairs center stage.
Young Women: (walks in and stands on chairs) I love my mother. I'm mean it, I love my mother, I do! Of course I have a million stories of our fights, good times, really bad time, and so on.... But still I love my mother. I love my mother. Even though (beat) when I was a child my mother used to 'forget' me. She was suppose to pick me up from dance or whatever and she would forget me. I think mostly it was the fact that I was the oldest and she did not have to worry about me, so she didn't. (beat; steps down off of chair) I got used to waiting for her and hearing the same excuse, 'oh I'm sorry Hun I forgot, was on autopilot'. But still I love my mother. (beat) One summer, I think if was before my sophomore year of high school, I was at soccer practice. It was a blistering hot morning, at 8am when we started, hot and humid. It was late August only about a week or so before school started. (acting out soccer practice) We had started with Indian runs and practice had only gotten worse, coach seemed to want to make us die of heat. 'Come on Lady's' He would yell swearing in Spanish when we did not do well enough. 'First games in five days!' While I'm at practice, (walks to other side of chairs) my mother is home making food for a dish to pass picnic that my family was going to later. (acting out mother making food). 'No you may not watch a movie, go outside!, if your bored you can weed the peas. Then find something to do, and stop bothering me, its too nice out for you to be sitting in side on your butt.' (looks at watch). "damn it I have to pick your sister soon...' (runs back to other side of chairs, goes back to daughter and soccer practice) 'is coach trying to kill us? Sara do you think he'll let us go Early?' (back to mother on other side of chairs) 'David! Stop making fun of your little brother and get in here!' (still cooking) 'ok I need you to keep an eye on this while I go get your sister, keep stirring it and don't let it burn. No James, you may not watch a movie. No TV what so ever. I mean it. (back to daughter). 'Finally, come on girls lets stretch out.' (leading stretches) 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...1,2,3,4,5....(back to mother) 'James I already said no, I need to leave or your sister is going to kill me.' (phone rings) 'Oh damn it... Hello?' (back to daughter). 'ya see you tomorrow!' (makes to take off cleats to change to sneakers). 'Don't worry about it coach, my mom should be on the way.' I know my Mom is not on the way... I know it... As soon as my coach leaves I pick up my bag and start walking. Its noon, even hotter then it was at eight when we started practice. (makes as if walking) Its about 4 and 1/2 miles to home... I love my mother, I love my mother, I love my mother... (back to mother) Damn it, David, make sure it does not burn. James go outside and behave yourself... I'm late! damn it... damn it... (back to daughter) I'm out of water and there is no shade on the road... hot hot hot... damn it. (beat) when I'm about half way home I see this green blur, which is the family truck, speed pass. I hear my mother break behind me turn around and speed back past me to park on the side of the road in front of me... part of me really wants to just pass the truck by and finish the walk home. But its too hot. I open the truck door, lug my bag inside and sit down (sits on chair) I don't look at my mother... (changes to other chair, as mother). 'So how was practice?' (moves to other chair, as daughter) I don't answer, my mother does not push the issue, we drive in silence homeward. (stands back up and then up onto chairs) As I said I love my mother.

Without You (A Monologue)

Women: All the stores are playing Christmas carols. I'm not even sure why I came to the mall today. I hate shopping around this time of year. I hate the fake Christmas cheer, hate the songs that get stuck in your head. If it were not for having to get something for my brother and his new wife, I would not be here. Theirs is the only present that I am getting this year. I'm not sending out Christmas cards, I'm not making cookies for the neighbors, and I am not singing in the Church's Christmas concert.

I pick out a rather nice vase for my brother and fill it with a bag of mixed nuts. I walk back through the mall past all the stores blasting music and the smiling busy customers. Past the court yard where parents are forcing their screaming children on to the lap of a perfect stranger. I remember the year you dressed up as Santa, I still have the pictures. How the children at church laughed.

Without you here there is no reason to celebrate. Without you there is no one to eat there is no one to eat the burnt cookies or sing those annoying songs with a smile and a skip. Without you I have no reason to sing.

(motions getting into a car) It takes me forever to get out of the parking lot. Forever to get to the post office. As I'm standing in line to mail out my brothers gift, I have to listen to more Christmas music. Your favorite song comes on, carol of the bells. You used to sing it loudly, slightly out of key and as fast as possible, while trying to ring the dinner bell your mother gave me. (laughing out loud) You where horrible and helarious. (suddenly stops laughing) One of the young men in line gives me a weird look, I've been laughing like a fool. The line shifts forward and the song changes. I block out the music, each song just reminds me of you. I send out the vase and quickly exit the Christmas filled post office.

(getting back in car)

As I drive home, trying to not look at the brightly lit trees in all the house windows, I wonder what you would think of me. Would you have given up on Christmas? Would you have felt so painfully aware of everyone elses good cheer. I pull into the driveway.  Our neighbors decided to triple the amount of lights they have on their house this year. Our house is dark. There is no tree no lights on the outside. I wonder if they are trying to make up for our house been so dark. It looks sad next to all the other houses. I like how it looks, its exactly how I feel.

I hurry inside from the driveway. The wind whips around me, snow flying aimlessly around. The kids are screaming and laughing down the street, they must be sledding. You loved that sledding hill. The house is dark, cold, silent, and void. Void of the one thing that I need, you. You where the Christmas Spirit, the one who sang the silly songs, strung the lights, and laughed constantly. Can you forgive me for not being able to have that same spirit without you? Can you forgive me for wanting to be alone?

Advent

I know that Advent has already started, but if you are looking for a devotional for the time leading up to Christmas, here is one that my Church put together. Several people, including myself, from the church community wrote the Devotional. Click Here to download the Advent Devotional. You can also get to the download through the Liberti Website. http://www.fairmount.liberti.org/

If your in Philly you can stop by on Sunday morning and get a hard copy!

Explaining the Poem

My best friend lost her Grandpa about a week ago. Unfortunately I can't go to the funeral. Unfortunately not because I love funerals, but because I really want to support her. The first couple of funerals that I attended I remember very odd things about. I remember legs and very tall grownups. I remember a lot of laughter and tears. I remember touching the cold face of my Great Grandmother. I remember the smell of the flowers. I remember my father trying not to cry.

Actually its my father's crying that always gets to me. My father is a good hearted, slightly sarcastic, bald, 50 something runner. He tends to come off as very strict or scary to people when they first meet him (my high school friends where all terrified of him at first). When he cries he tends to pretend at first that he is not crying. When that fails, he tries to hold it in. Whenever he cries my sister and I are sure to start. Its hard not too. So the poem is kind of my memories all mixed together. Memories of all those funerals I've gone too, both from my childhood and those that are more recent. Its in honor of those that we have lost, and yet more importantly it is in honor of the life they lived.

Saying Goodbye

I remember walking into brightly lit room
Every lamp was on, everything so bright
Except the windows, the windows shone night
Through the empty chairs and potted plants
Past the many pictures in old frames
Through the legs of relatives I hardly remember
But they all know me, they all know me.

There are tears in the eyes of my father
He is hiding them badly, my mother
my mother has been crying, but now
now her eyes are simply red and puffy
We walk forward, my sister in my fathers arms
Forward past the relatives I don't know
Toward the coffin, flowers encircling
I'm just tall enough to look inside

There she lays my grandmother
her skin is very white, its very odd
Her eyes are closed, she could be sleeping
Yet I know that she is not.
I remember the story of sleeping beauty
I wonder if all she needs is a kiss
Her hands are clasped at her chest
I remember them hold my own
I remember the corn chowder
watching wheel of fortune after school
I remember her smell, her smile
I remember, barely

"You can touch her." my mother whispers
I do tentatively. I bring back my hand quickly
She is cold, too cold, too weird, dead
The word has a meaning, a strong one.
I begin to understand, barely
I want to leave, I hate crying in public
My mother is talking with family
My father has finally broken down
He screws up his face, crying hard
I cry, whenever my father does,
and thus tears form in my eyes
they run down my cheeks.

I remember, barely that day
And her I remember slightly
I wish that I could remember more
Wish I could have know her better
Wish I could have said Goodbye.

December

It is officially December! Last night my roommates and I hung stockings on our mantle (yes we have a mantle). And we are discussing getting a real tree for the living room too. Of course that means that we have to get decorations. I have a ton of stuff at my parents house in the way of ornaments, but I have none of them with me of course. If I was smart I would have brought them back with me when I was home for Thanksgiving. December also means that I have to start thinking about X-mas gifts. Being poor, this is always a interesting and crazy affair.

Also my Christmas with my family with year is going to be a little rushed. For the first time I am going to spend less the four days at home for the holidays. During school I always had a month or so, and last year I had about a week. The year before I was living at home, so it did not matter that I had to work every day but Christmas and New Years. I also feel very behind. I have yet to do my x-mas cards for this year. Between grad applications, the first one is due Dec 15th (the others are not due till Jan, or later). I guess I just feel very behind and busy. And yet, it is very normal for X-mas.

25 Days!