Women: All the stores are playing Christmas carols. I'm not even sure why I came to the mall today. I hate shopping around this time of year. I hate the fake Christmas cheer, hate the songs that get stuck in your head. If it were not for having to get something for my brother and his new wife, I would not be here. Theirs is the only present that I am getting this year. I'm not sending out Christmas cards, I'm not making cookies for the neighbors, and I am not singing in the Church's Christmas concert.
I pick out a rather nice vase for my brother and fill it with a bag of mixed nuts. I walk back through the mall past all the stores blasting music and the smiling busy customers. Past the court yard where parents are forcing their screaming children on to the lap of a perfect stranger. I remember the year you dressed up as Santa, I still have the pictures. How the children at church laughed.
Without you here there is no reason to celebrate. Without you there is no one to eat there is no one to eat the burnt cookies or sing those annoying songs with a smile and a skip. Without you I have no reason to sing.
(motions getting into a car) It takes me forever to get out of the parking lot. Forever to get to the post office. As I'm standing in line to mail out my brothers gift, I have to listen to more Christmas music. Your favorite song comes on, carol of the bells. You used to sing it loudly, slightly out of key and as fast as possible, while trying to ring the dinner bell your mother gave me. (laughing out loud) You where horrible and helarious. (suddenly stops laughing) One of the young men in line gives me a weird look, I've been laughing like a fool. The line shifts forward and the song changes. I block out the music, each song just reminds me of you. I send out the vase and quickly exit the Christmas filled post office.
(getting back in car)
As I drive home, trying to not look at the brightly lit trees in all the house windows, I wonder what you would think of me. Would you have given up on Christmas? Would you have felt so painfully aware of everyone elses good cheer. I pull into the driveway. Our neighbors decided to triple the amount of lights they have on their house this year. Our house is dark. There is no tree no lights on the outside. I wonder if they are trying to make up for our house been so dark. It looks sad next to all the other houses. I like how it looks, its exactly how I feel.
I hurry inside from the driveway. The wind whips around me, snow flying aimlessly around. The kids are screaming and laughing down the street, they must be sledding. You loved that sledding hill. The house is dark, cold, silent, and void. Void of the one thing that I need, you. You where the Christmas Spirit, the one who sang the silly songs, strung the lights, and laughed constantly. Can you forgive me for not being able to have that same spirit without you? Can you forgive me for wanting to be alone?
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