Snow in the City

At first there was just clouds and little flakes
Which very quickly turned into more flakes
Then the sky turned purple and strange
and the lightening danced wildly above
while the thunder rebounded off the buildings
And the snow started to hide things as a vale
Everything was covered and recovered
Til after a night of crazy dances and laughter
the storm moved off to the north and east
to find other friends to play with

The Morning found currier and ives everywhere
with snow piled and sticking everywhere

the roads were only know by the lines of cars
Trees seemed children frozen and laughing
Sidewalks became tunnels lined with deep piles
roads became pea soup and sherbet
People bundled and slipping dig out cars
watch shrieking children and join in randomly
While other huddle in coffee shops over scones
Cars twirl and slide and spin and refuse to move
Bus spray slush on passing people who curse
And Subway trains continue as if nothings different

And wrapped in a long scarf, stuffed in a coat
with a warm hat pulled over my ears
and hands huddling in pockets
I brave the snow piles laughing a cars
Swearing with others at the spraying buses
And ride the unstoppable subway trains
While contemplating how much I wish
I wish I was home.

Snow

So when I woke up and looked outside it was basically all white. The snow was coming down in light fluffy flakes, but there was nothing lazy about those flakes. They were moving quickly and all together to cover everything with powder. This is the kind of snow that you want several feet off, along with a mountain, a fast chair lift, a good pair of skies, and good winter clothing (ski coat, ski pants, warm socks, hat, gloves, Ski goggles). Hat, check. Gloves, kind of check. Snow, we're about half way to a foot so that does not really count. Mountain, nope, unless you count the Art museum steps or the kind of steep hill near my house (which I wouldn't). Chair lift, definably not. Skies, at home gather dust. Winter clothing... well other then the hat and gloves listed above, everything else is at home and most of that I barrow from other people.

Yep, I'm stuck in the city with no skies and this glorious white stuff piling up on everything. Worst part about it is that I am working. Am I the only person who actually likes the snow?

What I Am

"We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit" ~Aristotle~

I am many things
Cook, writer, blogger, reader
I fit neatly into boxes
Labeled to fit society
Labeled to be socially correct

Many things I am not
famous, important, wise
Too often I just don't fit
Labeled wrongly
Labeled so as not to offend

What I do is too much
What I do is not enough
I'm good at repeating mistakes
I'm good at doing very little
And thinking that it's enough

I am so many things
I would like to do more
I would like to not fit in
I would love to just fit in
I want to be myself

If only everything I did
was excellent and not half ass
I could be so many things
I could do too much
I could do even more

New Job!

So I started my new job today. Social Media Coordinator sounds really super important right?

Anyways I don't have a lot to write about today. Its cold here in Philly, the weather the last couple of days has been in the teens mostly, which is way to cold. I went for a run Saturday morning and it was so cold I felt frozen solid when I got back. Of course, I took a shower, drank a bunch of tea, and ate warm cereal but nothing helped. In the end I was cuddled underneath my covers, with two pares of socks on, a long sleeve t-shirt, sweat pants, and a sweat shirt.

I was planning on running this morning before work, since I did not have to be in until 9am. But I decided not too after looking at the weather report.Its currently 20 degrees. It was in the 18 degree range this morning. Over the Weekend there was a low of 13 degrees. I guess I will have to go for a run tonight, although it might be a short one.

Well I guess its back to work...

Ice

Sparkling trapped in glittering clear cold ice
I wish to drip and warm myself
but the sun, the sun is hidden
The clouds hide its warm and thus I freeze
Ice clear water, grows around me
snow billows and blows
cracks appear, and are filled with more ice
It is beautiful, terrible and cold.

When I Grow Up

Here I am a quarter of the way to one hundred and I have no idea what I want to be when I 'grow up'. Ok thats not really true. The truth is that I have too many things that I want to do. I want to write plays, novels, poetry, and short stories. I want to direct and act. I want to cook all of the time (and make other people eat the food I make). I want both famous and unknown. I want to be successful and happy. I want...

Sometimes I think that Peter Pan had it made. To never grow up is a rather glorious beautiful thing. Being able to make believe and play all day long. Never having to worry about anything.

I know of people older then myself who still have now idea what they really want to do for the rest of their lives. People change carrees all the time. I guess part of the problem is not being able to, or not wanting to settle down. But for me its like I just really don't know.

Jamie Cullum, one of my favorate modern Jazz artists, has a great song called twenty something.

After years of expensive education
A car full of books and anticipation
I'm an expert on Shakespeare and that's a hell of a lot
But the world don't need scholars as much as I thought
Maybe I'll go traveling for a year
Finding myself, or start a career
Could work the poor, though I'm hungry for fame
We all seem so different but we're just the same
Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat
Aren't things more easy, with a tight six pack
Who knows the answers, who do you trust
I can't even separate love from lust
Maybe I'll move back home and pay off my loans
Working nine to five, answering phones
But don't make me live for Friday nights
Drinking eight pints and getting in fights
Maybe I'll just fall in love
That could solve it all
Philosophers say that that's enough
There surely must be more
Love ain't the answer, nor is work
The truth eludes me so much it hurts
But I'm still having fun and I guess that's the key
I'm a twentysomething and I'll keep being me

The song really captures exactly how I feel in may ways. Anyone else feeling lost for what to do with life? What do you want to be, when you grow up?

Breaking In

So yesterday was a very hard day. First our pastor at church let the congregation know that he is leaving (sometime this Spring). I'm kind of sad, but God is definably calling him to another church. Second I went out to lunch with friends (which was not bad) and took a nap (which was also not bad). Third after waking up from my nap at 5pm, I decided to go for a run. The run was not the bad part, actually the run was rather glorious 3.2 miles in just under 30 minutes. I was a little sore when I got back to my apartment but in reality it was all good. Well until I realized I had grabbed the wrong key.

My roommates of course were not home (that would be too easy). After trying to pick the lock on the door (something I have no practice at) and failing at that, I decided I should try the back door. Now this is the difficult part. There is a fence (thankfully) around the house. I did not have the key to get through the padlock which would make the next part easier. Rather I had to figure out how to climb over the fence. I managed it without getting hurt after a lot of huffing and puffing. Now I stood in the little bit of lawn next to the house. I walked to the back patio. The back door was off course locked. By this time my sweat was freezing on my body. So I started trying the windows. Luckily, after trying all the other windows,  I was able to get one of my bedroom windows open. I'm sure my neighbors thought someone was breaking in (which is true), but they didn't call the police (for better or worse). I managed to scramble inside. Of course the first thing I did was lock the window behind me (its a little annoying that it was unlocked though lucky for me it was). All and all it took me about an hour to get inside.

What I have learned from this experience.

1) Don't forget your keys idiot!
2) I'm really good at breaking into houses and climbing fences (scary).
3) I was really cold and lucky that I got in when I did.

Has anyone else had to break into their own house before? Its slightly crazy I must say.

The Axe and Fire and Sun and Rain

(Any suggestions on title would be helpful, I'm still not sure what I want to call this!)

The Smoke of my despairing soul came billowing up
Black and grey, until the whole sky was hidden by it
Black as night, yet without stars or moon or light or hope
It was I who build the fire using new Green wood
Hacked from the forest of my heart,
like some bulldozer raging through the rain forest
My axe was sharp and still is, and I cut and break
and add more fuel, till all there is is black smoke
and grey hewn stumps of once mighty trees
standing as skeletons on the grey ash ground
Till my heart is barren and sunless and cold
and around me lays the utter ruin of Eden
and I feel I deserve the utter despair
and wondered why God had given me a sharp axe
Or even let me touch so great a glad
and smoke covers me in my languish
And I laugh coaching at the foolishness of it all
And I cry as I try to hide in the darkness.

Yet the billowing smoke did not last long
And soon the sun came bearing down
burning my unshaded head, burning right through me
til its light, unguarded or filtered, pierced me
and I felt that I would die from light
And around me the grey darkness of my soul
could not stay dark, but rather reflected the rays
til I burning as the once might forest had
and felt the burning go on and on
I was sure that I would not survive
And cry out in last breath, mercy, oh mercy
yet the suns sharp rays stayed till almost all was gone
and with its last ray glinted o'er the distant barren space
ran me through in my most secret place

And with the sun gone and the stars out
I shivered thankfully in the dark
But could not rid myself of the light
which seemed trapped within and burned still
And I wished secretly for the fire to go out
And from the south an answer came
it came in a much bigger way
and rain, poured over me, cooling my skin
and my soul, now strong as steel
yet the light still burned, now an inner warmth
and again I wished almost for it to go out
and the waves washed over the barren ash
and would have carried me off into the flood
had i not clung to the rock by my finger nails
and soon I felt I would have to let go
And yelled against the storm, Grace, oh Grace!
but the storm did not wain, rather tore at me still
Till I felt that I was raw and naked and bare
till the rain hurried off to the north and the flood waned
And the last rain drop hit me harder than a stone.

Again the sun came up in the glorious east
And now shown a heart barren but clean
The sun now felt warm and comfortable on my skin
and dried off the rain, yet soon dry the heat found me
And the sun brighter then before burned me again
And the light, oh the light bit at me, got inside
And desperately I tried to hid behind the rock.
til I wished for the darkness and no more light
but with the darkness came the storm
And worse then the night before
the rain drove into me like knives and the wind whipped
And the flood nearly drove me off and away

Again the sun and its burning piercing light
Again the storm and dark and cold
til I wondered if the circle had any end
And I hid behind the rock at day
and clung desperately to it during the storm
While around me green sprouts come up
And surprised was I when I found them here
so bright against the barren grey and black
and each day around me the sprouts grew and grew
til around me thousands of trees great then before
around me stood grand and tall
Joy oh Joy I laughed in the cool shade
Hope oh hope I shouted to the trees
and beneath them in the shade walk I
and in the middle the rock, my now realized savor
And thank God for the axe and fire and sun and rain

Fire

Yesterday there was a huge five alarm fire in West Philly just a couple of blocks away from my apartment. When I got out of work I could see the smoke from Spring Garden station. It was a huge billowing dark black smoke. When I got off the subway at 40th street, so I could stop that the bank, the billowing cloud of smoke was taking up a huge amount of the sky.Then I started the walk home from 40th street to 46th. The billowing smoke started to look more grey against the darkening night, but it did not decrease in size. And while I was walking I started to see the light of the flames against the dark night sky. Finally I could see the fire trucks and police cars. A ton of traffic was being directed down my street away from the fire. There were helicopters hovering up in the air. No one was hurt, but the building went up really quickly, so there are a bunch of homeless families and its suppose to snow about 7 inches tonight.

I wrote a really interesting poem in my mind while I was walking home (when of course I did not have any paper handy). I tried to write it down when I got home and I'll try to post it tonight for you all.

Fences

The first fence was metal
strung with metal wire

The second wooden planks
set row upon row

The third wood as well
but polls rung together

The fourth was up above
a metal cage, bars and all.

The last not man-made
but rather natures bramble hoard

O'r the first I went
shaking the clinging snow from the wire.
and landed in a world of white
in this world the cold froze all desire
and steel was friend with stone

Snow had piled itself high
upon the wooden fence as well,
yet when over this fence I climbed
more snow I did not find
but rather a wet new spring.

The third had new vines clinging there
yet when o'r it, I found a summer fair
cool grass beneath my feet and flowers
flowers of every shade, but mostly white
And the sun beat down from on high

Above me, round a high terrace of brick
the fourth fence encircles lovers fair
although open above, it still kept inmates in
since neither Juliet nor Romeo am I
I had no interest in climbing so high.

So on to the fifth I went cautiously
and through rather than over the brambles I
And found a world in Autumn kept
with brilliant orange leaves crowning the tree tops
and the cold of winter a soon know decease

And wondered I what the five fences meant
but seeing as I can not go back,
I've stayed in this land on the verge of despair
and many a strange friend found here
But mostly of love and the fourth fence I dream.

For Progress

I.
Leaders crying, pushing, bawling,
Some where, some how loosing
Lost, crying, lonely, sadly
engrossed in the horrible tech
hopelessly marching off to?
Where are we marching off to?
What are we to do?
I lost my self in the purple clouds
In the golden night of street lights
In the darkness of your soul
I'm lost, but aren't we all
Give me something, anything
Push me out, march me down
March me forward toward
purple golden endless progress
Towards the insane future
Deconstruct my brain, my thought
Modernization, is it complete?
Post modern crap calling for
calling for the rectification of
Feminism and intelligent bullshit
higher thought and lower expectations
While the smart ones drown in drink
while the youth wonder aimlessly
while our future comes tumbling
tumbling hopelessly into our laps
and the beat has all but stopped
still the mob marches, banners waving
Progress, Progress, Progress, Or Else
and individualism becomes the norm
and non-conformists conform
And the future beacons with black eyes

II.
In the endless yellow sandy halls of learning
Where archaeologist try to dig up our books
with the use of little brushes while more sand
more sand, more sand, more sand, sand!
just keeps on covering it all back up.
In the dry painless, painful brick buildings
lies little forgotten wells of thought
little oases standing green against the yellow
waving for the marching marching marching
to stop and take a green, blue rest
At last the Archaeologist uncover a book
And after much tweeting, celebration, and money
retire it to a glass cage to collect dust
somewhere in the back of some grey museum.
school children, painted grey, trudge past
grungy little prints smudge the glass
but never, never, never, never, never
to touch the golden whispering pages
Leave it to the intelligent to bury it all again.

III.
In the grey cubicles of grey walls, floors, ceilings
talking on grey phones and typing on grey key board
Grey little mice, whisper, twitter, tag and post
farming in virtual space and blogging endless words
coloring walls with more gray, of different shades
While outside the march continues, on, on, on, on
The banners are ratted, the threads bare, colorless
The sunset is unnoticed, but brilliant purple and gold
we all just keep on marching, marching, marching
Joy for the endless progress, Joy for the endless march

IV.
The leaders of the march died long ago
Their bodies were left at the side of the road
the blinded blind follow the blinding blind
and all happily, joyful climb the mountain down
to were the shining cities are no longer shining
and the basket covers the lamp, pure black.
And all together we just keep marching
we hold the banner polls, now banner less
while cobwebs sow themselves over our heads
Love! the wind whispers, turn away.
Hope! the sky says in a brilliant display
Joy! the sun shouts in a sunrise of gold
Doom says the march, Doom, Doom, Doom
Look up dreary people all covered in dust
Shack off the shackles, off all the must
Turn to the Sunrise, and glorious hope
Steal back the dusted books in glass
Forget all your progress, forget the past
Live in the now, in here, in peace
weave new banners in colors new
And march off all together
March towards the shining cities
March all together for progress.

New Year

This post is perhaps a little late, seeing as we have already started the New Year. There are two reasons for this. (1) I almost never have 'new year' resolutions, because they usually seem stupid and no one actually sticks to them for a year. (2) I have a hard time sticking to person goals sometimes. I can handle a month long project, but a year worth is a little scary to me.

Any ways I figured I would share the things that I want to work on this year.

Running: My sister, my dad, and myself are running a half marathon sometime this spring. I started running last night (after a long break of nothing). When it comes to running I enjoy races more than 'working out'. At some point I would like to run a marathon, although I don't think that is going to happen this year. I want to see how the half marathon goes first.

Writing: I want to actually write 6 days a week. That might not be on this blog, it might be in my journal or brain storming in pages on my mac. I also need to work on Finishing projects, which I am sad to say is not always my strong suite.

Work: Move out of Customer Support and in to Social Media, which might be happening soon actually.

Theatre: This kind of goes with the writing, but I need to get some of my plays on their feet and get people to watch them too. FUN... I also need to do some more auditions... SCARY.

Bills/Money: I want to completely pay off my credit cards and get a huge amount paid off on my student loans. I'm so over being in debt. I also would like to be able to save... wouldn't that be nice?

Self: I need to take better care of my self, my brain, my body, my soul, my heart. I want more sleep, better food (not that I eat horribly now), more faith, to be a better friend (and actually call people every once in a while) and most importantly be a better lover of others. I guess most of this stuff like the sleep, is not necessarily going to happen, unfortunately. Yet others I think are things I can definably work on.

In general I'm sure some of the above is just wishful thinking, but I'm trying to be better at setting goals for myself and reaching them. And that is something that I will be working on next year (my whole life probably), not just this year. Happy New Year!

Sleep

My brain is sluggish,
My eyes are blurred
My body achy
My limps all sore

The bed is good
The bed is nice
The bed is warm
The bed is deep

Oh to sleep away the day
Oh to sleep all through the night
Oh to sleep, sleep, sleep!
Oh to sleep Oh to sleep

Divorce

C.S. Lewis wrote a great story called the Great Divorce. It is a tale about hell and heaven, and most importantly how we divorce ourselves from God. I love C. S. Lewis, (check out a poem I wrote about this). I have over the past couple of months been thinking a lot about this book and how we divorce ourselves from God. But there are a lot of other things that we divorce. We divorce each other. We divorce: religion from government, spirit from body, sex from marriage, and truth from reality.

Divorce (according to dictionary.com) is a total separation; disunion: a divorce between thought and action. Its kind of like saying one thing and doing another. But the truth always is our actions speak a hell of a lot louder than any word we can utter. The saying 'Sticks and Stones my break my bones, but words can never hurt me' sounds nice but in a way is very far from the truth. Sticks and Stones do break bones, words can hurt too (I'm not saying they don't), yet what you do to someone speaks louder, shouts louder, than anything you can scream.

What I wonder is why do we think it is OK to divorce something that really belongs together? Take sex. (Yes I'm going there, and your going to have to deal with it for four weeks. Liberti is doing a Mini-Series on Sex in the Bible.) Too often we feel we can just do whatever we want and not have to worry about it, its just sex. Right? The problem is that its not just sex. Its never just sex. Its like shooting a bazooka and calling it a Nerf gun. Nerf guns don't really hurt. Bazookas hurt a whole lot (and can kill you). Maybe we need to start really thinking about what we do, say, think. Are we shooting a bazooka? Are we hurting the people around us?