Doing My Nails

So I have a new nail polish. Its a bright jewel tone aqua. Now normally I do not paint or even pay attention to my nails. But the last couple of weeks I have been spending more time playing around and making my nails look nice. In fact I have realized that since I started living on my own I have spent more time on how I look. I'm not sure what the cause of this is. Is it living in the city and wanting to fit in as a hip city girl? Is it the fact that I care more about what people think when they see me. Is it that attention I get when I look nice? Or am I simply turning into my mother.

My grandma has a billow that reads 'mirror mirror on the wall I am my mother after all' And in some ways I guess this is true. And its not all bad. My mum always looks nice and professional for work and likes to look nice for church, she's a great mother and wife, a great cook, and gardener. But in other ways I think this all as more to do with growing up. I don't think I'll really grow up, but I'm getting to the place were I want to be grown up. Perhaps that is the first step. And lets face it, wearing bright colored aqua nail polish that complements my coral sweater, is not at all a boring 'grownup' type decision.

I hope I never turn into a boring grownup. I would rather be a bag lady then a grumpy old women. I would rather be artistic on the side of eccentric than normal on the side of boring. Who wants to be normal, or everyday? So I do my hair, paint my nails, wear skirts and dresses to work and high heals. I still don't wear makeup everyday and I tend to wear slightly crazy jewelry. Not to mention my favorite color is still orange.

So is this growing up? Or is it simply a better understanding and freedom to be myself? Or are they the same thing?

Come like a Whisper

There is something wonderfully depressing about the rain
There is something wonderfully destroying about the storm
The wind blows and billows and roars
and I stand rooted to the ground, hands out stretched
bring on the rain bring on the storm

Lightening and crashes, the wonderfully terror
There is debris, and destruction everywhere
The wind blows and billows and roars
and I fall to me knees and hope you'll destroy me
bring on the destruction bring on the storm

There is something wonderfully freeing about the pain
There is something wonderfully peaceful about the storm
The wind blows and billows and roars
and I fly higher then the mounting clouds
bring on the peace bring on the storm

For you weren't in the storm
for you weren't in the wind
for you weren't in the fire
for you were in the silence
So bring on the rain, bring on the storm
and come like a whisper

Idols

What is an idol?

I feel like idol is a word, the meaning which is not full understood. Sure we have Idols, American Idol, right? I mean is that all it really is? Someone who has more talent than us and is willing to put themselves on display for the whole world to rip apart. Or is there something more?

In the Old Testament G-d was always getting angry with people because they weren't following him. They were following the idols and gods of the people around them. But we don't have household gods any more, or at least they are not visible. In Roman times you had the gods of your house, the gods of your city, and the gods of Rome, along with the Emperor (the god on earth). Christians were called atheists because they refused to worship the Emperor or any of the other gods. Funny.

So we don't have any household gods, no little bronze statues of idols to pray to (unless you have a Buddha). But we still have idols and gods. Things that have more of an importance in our lives then they should.

I guess another way to think about it is what are you addicted too? I mean I love my Mac, I spend too much time on Facebook, and love Theatre. You could even say that I have a low level addiction to Doctor Who and Conan O'Brien (I might be going through slight with drawl at the moment). But in reality I think addiction is only part of the problem. Addictions are consuming, distracting, and life destroying.

But not ever idol will destroy your life, some of them might even make this life better. Like wanting to be healthy or get more money. Somethings that are bad for you, seem really good, or ok.

I guess that is were I get stuck. I'm always trying to fill my life up with so much stuff, and not all of its bad. Friends, family, good food, hard work, and prosperity. But none of those things are the most important thing. And that is the difficulty. They are important, don't get me wrong, but they are not the most important thing. Because none of those things can make you whole. None of those things can save you. None of those things will survive death, none of them, because you and I can't survive death. And death is one persistent bugger.

At one point in human history it was easy to see what your idol was, you worshiped it, had an image of it in your house. The one thing about modern life and all its conveniences is how easily we are separated from hearing our souls. And no one talks about their idols, not really, because they are not something physical. We can't pull down our Asher Polls or Melt Golden Calves, because those aren't our idols, our gods. And death is the one who laughs in the dark corner, knowing how foolish we are. Lucky the last laugh is not his.

Is Everyone's Birthday at the End of April?

I know four different people who's Birthdays are this week. Four. Two of them are my siblings. One is my roommate. I have two, count them two birthday parties on Friday. I've been trying to figure out how many other people I know that were born in April, but I lost count (I ran out of fingers and toes, jk). It just makes me wonder.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with Birthdays. I like parties. And I'm not really complaining I'm just trying to figure it out. I'm very happy that my birthday is in October. The fact that I am the only one in my family with a fall birthday helps too. Its before the holiday rush that starts in November (or October 31st in some places). I didn't have to share my Birthday at all and that was just fine. So how in the world do people in April feel? I looked up which month has the highest number of births, its August. So maybe its just me feeling like I know too many people born in April.

Anyways I'm all set for parties and cake this weekend... and I already sent cards to my brother and sister. So at least I'm ahead of the game this year...

Good Friday

Yesterday night I went to a service at my church. There is something completely weird and wonderful about Holy Week. First of all, we are Celebrating the death of God. Secondly we are celebrating his life. And third we are looking forward to Easter, and the glorious rise.

I grew up in the Church, ever year on Good Friday we would go to church and sit in the darkness to hear the final moments of Christs life. Its hard to replace traditions. It still seems weird to me to not be home around this time of year. Christmas is a holiday that makes sense to people. Its a big deal after all that Christ came. That's the nice part of the story. Who does not want to have a little baby and gifts and angles. Its peaceful, hopeful, glorious, simple, easy.

Good Friday is not easy, or simple, or peaceful. Its dark, and fearful. Yet with out the hope of Christmas, or the despair of Good Friday, there is no meaning in Easter. And I would argue that Easter is the more important holiday, not because He died, but because He Rose.

I'm Givin' Up

Pull me this way, Pull me that
knock me over, lay me flat
Say I'm useless, or enempt
I stand my ground
I ain't givin' up

Give me good, give me bad
make me loose, let me win
say I'm brilent, say I'm dumn
I'll be just fine
I ain't givin' up

Pull you, drag you, hang you up
Give you a crown and nails and a cross
say I'm forgiven, show mercy
I'll fall down on the ground
I'm Givin' Up

I'm givin' up all of me
I'm falling down at the base of that tree
I'm givin' up all of me
Because of You, because of that tree
You givin' all of you
I'm givin' up all of me

Busy, Busy, Busy

I'm too busy to talk
I'm too busy to call
facebook would be better
because I'm to busy

I'm to busy for friends
I'm to busy for you
a smile is easier
because I'm to busy

I'm just to busy
I have no time
so don't bother me
because I'm to busy

I'm busy, busy, busy
And that is the problem
because I'm to busy
I'm too busy...

Where Am I Going?

There is a path before my feet,
but where it goes I do not know.
When I look back,
I see it climb up o'r the mountains
or down deep valleys,
I see the places where I miss stepped
Forward however is hidden still,
as if a mist clouded my eyes
or being of bad sight, see only a blur,
some dreamed up goal
And I wonder where am I going?


Perhaps like some huge dot to dot,
I walk the line towards the nearest goal
but the picture I can not see,
for I must travel the lines first before I know
And the mist at times might lift or clear
and I see the end in glorious might
but how I am to get there I do not know
and the mists come back more fearful then night
And I wonder where am I going?

dear friends I've met upon this road
And strangers kind and strangers mean
I've broken my heart, had  it torn out
I've stubbed my toe and brushed my knee
I've wandered far from the path
in search of beauty in a wide park
to be left in the wild forest in the dark
And back to the path I come
And I wonder where am I going?

And despite this bruised knee,
and sore stubbed toe
I continue on the ever climbing trail
in hopes that mighty visions are real
and that the glorious sunrise will reveal
the peaceful, healing place foretold
And the path and journey at its end
For I know where I am going.
I'm going home.

Newest Project

A couple of posts ago I was complaining about having too much on my plate. But my latest project really is not about giving me more to do, its about adding some direction to the randomness of my writing lately. The idea is to take the Morality Plays from the Middle Ages and make them into a 'modern' piece. Most people don't realize how much on a influence the Church has had on Theatre. Even before Shakespeare, who was very heavy on the Christian symbolism and comments, there was the Morality Plays. These plays are mostly Catholic influenced and were a part of many Church Holidays. Different guilds and organizations would put on their own plays, all at the same time and completing for the attention of the crowd.

Modern Western Theatre has a lot in debt to these early plays. Although a lot of people like to gloss over the religious start to much of the theatre. In fact all cultures Drama and performance go back to some kind of religion. The Greeks and Roman's had plays about their gods, and the people who disobeyed them. In India, there is a whole holy book just for theatre and its use for worship (This book includes how the actor is to eat, work out, act, everything). In Japan and China, early theatre is about spirits and Buddah. I could keep going. In the West we seem to want to forget our connection to Christianity, so we skip over the importance of Catholic religious plays and for bide we discuss whether or not Shakespeare was Catholic.

Ok my rant is over, and in case your wondering no I'm not Catholic. However, I wanted to give you all a little history, so you could understand why I think its important to remember and perform these older plays. Also why I'm going to be spending my writing time, apart from this blog, on modern poetry and prose to match that of the Old English Everyman, and some of my other favorite Morality Plays. I'll try and share some snippets of verse when I get a chance. Also I'm not allowed to stop working on this project. I'm going to finish it! (or you can all give me a really hard time).

Most of the Time

Most of the time I'm happy
Most of the time I'm fine
Most of the time I'm sunny

But every once in a while
I'll huddle in unseen darkness
And the walls will close around me
And my heart will fail with in
And a shadow falls
I am seperated, apart, alone

Still most of the time I'm okay

Too Much

I guess I was bored or something. Work, Home Group, this blog, and Church, just was not taking up enough of my time. I needed more to do. So I started seeds in planters which are still crowding my desk, and I now have bunch of little green stalks with two leaves each. At the moment they don't look like anything, they will soon be herbs and swiss chard.


Yet having a container garden to look forward to was still not enough. So I decided to join the group organizing the community garden at Church. I'm one of the people organizing the 'beautification' part of the plan. I even drew out how the one border we are planting this year will look like. I even drew it to scale, ya that's right, to scale. But obviously that was not enough either, so now I am helping to organize fund raising for the Sudan trip my Church is doing. (I'm not going sadly). Oh and I might end up doing the social media for both the garden and the Sudan trip too.

Finally I took on a huge project at work, and I have another one in the works (and I'm working overtime).

And I'm completely happy. Maybe being busy is better. I tend to be more productive when I 'have' to get something done.

Unfortunately this blog has been falling to the way side. I'll try better to keep it updated, but for some reason its getting harder. And here it is Friday... I so need to sleep.

Incense

One fair ribbon of smoke
issued forth, in front the suns proud rays
and tumbled o'r the cold stone floor
spiraling it split till there was a cord
a flowing hanging mess of strands
finding the rays of sun
curling around each other and the room
till everything hung with their haze
yet still the strands issued forth
one un-ending gathering length
an un-broken mess hanging about
under which the prayers of old men are spoke
hard knee on cold hard floor
smoke clouding minds and vision

Outside in the world there are birds singing
children play in the bright faced sun
gardens grow leaf and bud
wind plays in the fields and among the clouds

Inside the prayers gather like the smoke
a long unwinding ribbon of word and thought
drunk on smoke, mouths call out unbidden
yells and bodies thrown to the floor
the smoke color changes from grey and blue
the suns playful rays work across the floor
slowly the last bit of smoke spirals upwards
old heads lift, tears stained cheeks wiped
there is long sighs and creaking knees
the wind comes in playfully and destroys the smoke
the cloud is quickly dispersed
minds clear, thoughts sharpen.

The ashes are swept up and spread
the wind takes them up to heaven
and the prayers and tears with them go
together the old men stager out
see the sun and feel the wind
hear the sound of laughter
together they smile
the pray ribbon is broken
the life ribbon continues

What is that?

"Heart" I say as if its a normal thing.

"Wait a minute what is it?" Says a disbelieving co-worker

"Deer heart, its good" I say as if its normal, because for me it is.

"Right" Said co-worker now thinks I'm crazy, gross, not at all cool, and obviously from a real life farming town that Children of the Corn was based on.

Yes this is a real interaction. Does anyone else think I'm crazy?

Taming Your Tongue

My home group is currently studying the book of James. As part of this we are spending time this week trying to tame our tongue. I don't know how many of you have ever tried to tame your tongue. Its really hard. No gossiping, swearing, lying, boasting, being proud. In the first day I had probably done a little of every bit of it. I would not say that I spend a lot of time gossiping or boasting. But some how I became very aware of myself and how I speak.

Sure I always think about lessening the amount of swearing I do and lying has always been a problem. But I realized this week that there is a whole lot of other things that I saw that are not at all nice, kind, neighborly, true or really Christian.

Anyone else think that this is crazy hard?

The Only Thing I'm Really Good At.

Give me mercy, give me light, give me everything good and bright
I will take it, I will break it, I will mare it, I'll stomp and smear it
Give me beauty, give me life, give me everything good and bright
I will destroy it, I will try to undo it, I'll stomp and smear it.

Gather all the good things together
to make a good burning fire
Don't you dare give me good things
I can only destroy them
The only thing I'm really good at
is destruction.

show me mercy, show me light, show me everything peaceful and nice
I will see it, I will take it, I will do my darnest to stop and destroy it.
Show me hate, show me darkness, show me everything painful and wrong
I will see it, I will learn it, I will do my darnest to keep and protect it.

Gather all the good things together
to make a good burning fire
Don't you dare give me good things
I can only destroy them
the only thing I'm really good at
is failing.

I showed you hatred, I showed you darkness, I showed you everything wrong
You will see it, you will take it, you will die for it and always destroy it
Show me nails and show me thorns, teach me again that mercy is yours
I will see it, I will learn it, I will bury it deep in my heart.

Gather all the bad thing together
to make a good burning fire
leave me bare don't you dare
not destroy them all
the only thing I'm really good at
is returning.