Christmas

So many people don't have a good Christmas to look forward too. Whether it is family strife, arguements, money problems, funerals, and a convergance of a million other things. I figured my Christmas would be short and rushed. I arrived home on Friday and came back to Philly yesterday. Short and sweet, actually that is exactly what it was.

I don't mean to brag but I have been extremely lucky and blessed in my life. I have a sister and two brothers whom I love and get along with great. I have a father and mother who raised me well (despite of everything) and somehow I guess I came out alright. Have have loving grandparents and aunts and uncles. In short my family rocks. Sure Christmas for my family has never been about excess. My family does not have excess. Rather we give out of our need to give. We have more fun gaging each other and giving things that we need rather then things we do not. Such gifts as a box and a stick for the older of my two brothers, from the younger (If you listen to FLN you get the joke). My siblings decided that I needed to do a scavenger hunt... which ended up not being as bad as I thought it would be (there was no duck tape this year). There was also a rock in a box given to the youngest (because he was being a smart @ss before I got home and we did not have any coal). Yet in reality, for me at least, it is more fun to see other's excitement when they see what you gave them.

And I guess that really is what Christmas is about after all. It really has very little to do with Santa or what we give each other, but what God gave us. He gave his son, not to be another good person to tell us what to do or say things like 'love your neighbor'. Rather God gave his son because if he had not, there would be no hope for any of us. Without the Death of that perfect Sacrifice there is not freedom, no love, no hope, no joy.

I hope you all enjoyed your time with your family and had a wonderful Christmas!

No Holidays

(This monologue is meant to be a part of a group of monologues about my family/friends/growing up. Please ask permission before using this Monologue. Thank you)

Young Women: When I was fourteen I was shy and still played make believe with my friends. I was always a daydreamer. I still am a daydreamer. My brain was always, is always wondering far away in the worlds that I have either read about or that I make up. My dreams to no end when I wake up, rather they run behind everything I do during the day. When I was fourteen I was walking the line between childhood and adulthood as awkwardly as anyone. I had wonderfully horrible arguments with my mother about laundry. I had several college age boys hit on me...which at the time went over my head, I still thought boys were weird. I still think boys are weird.

Sometime during that awkward weird time when I was angry and scared and tired and whatever else it is teenagers feel, my Grandfather decided to pass on a part of his 'wisdom'.

Now my Grandparents at that time owned a car dealership. They were well respected members of the community. My Grandfather had grown up at the end of the depression and through World War 2. His older brothers had fought in that war, he had been too young. Instead he helped run the family farm and continually got in trouble for skipping school. My Grandparents on both sides of my family were hard workers, but my fathers parents passed on when I was younger, so they don't hold as strong of a place in my memory unfortunately. My mothers parents are still very much alive, and probably more active than I am. My Grandfather flies air planes, he even built the plane he currently flies. My Grandmother gardens and cooks and tons of other things.

Anyways, lets get back to when I was fourteen. I was hanging around the dealership one Saturday. My grandfather decided that it was time that I learn how to wash a car. For anyone who knows car dealerships, detailing cars is a big part of what they do. Before a car is handed over it is washed and vacuumed and made to look like new, even if its not. I was nervous about washing cars. My grandfather is a very strict man, kind but strict. He walked me through the basic steps, told me to not take any holidays, and left me with his red truck.

Let me explain what a holiday is. Its when you miss a place while you are washing the car. This place might have been wet, but because you never scrubbed it, when the car dries, you can see the 'dirty' place. Basically a holiday. I had heard this saying thousands of times, 'No holidays' I was terrified that I would leave a holiday. So I washed his truck three times before I let him come and see it.

Of course the real wisdom of the idea of 'no holidays' is deeper and farther reaching then washing cars. Although I don't think I ever thought of it that way when I was fourteen. At fourteen it was just about making sure I did a really good job washing that truck, so my Grandfather would not find fault. Yet every job I have ever worked I keep that in mind. 'No holidays' No taking a break or doing a half ass job. No missing something that seems unimportant or doing only part of the work. If you are going to do something do it, full force, to the best of your ability. If something is worth doing its worth doing right. I'm sure you have all heard that saying. Well for my Grandfather is means 'no holidays'. I wish more people had that kind of wisdom and actually enacted it. The world would be a better place.

Head Cold

I am sick. I have to work. I had an interview this morning. Its Monday. And most of all I am sick. I went home Friday with the start of a head cold. Saterday I was suprisingly productive for someone so sick. I did dishes, went grocery shopping, made really amazing beef stew and bisckets (my lunch today) and I did laundry. Sunday I went to church and was truely a bum the rest of the day. Minus the making of French toast for dinner. I'm hoping and praying that my cold is over before I go home for X-mas.

At least I have a couple of cool things to look forward to this week. Christmas Party at work tomorrow afternoon. Thursday My sister and brother are coming down, Friday I get to go home, and Saturday is Christmas! I just hope that I can make it through this week and the next. Holidays are always crazy!

Friday

Todays lunch probably reaches number 2 or 3 on the weird lunch catigory. Its not number one because I am really sure that I have had a weirder lunch at some point in my life. Today I have, squash, spinich, and fruit snacks. Yep thats my lunch. Its not bad, just weird. All I had this morning when I was packing my lunch was leftover squash and spinich. So thats what I brought.

Not sure if anyone else just brings in random leftovers like I do. My Co-workers have gotten used to it. Yesterday I had some really good stir-fry that made the whole office smell really good. Yesterday My co-workers wanted my lunch... well today obviously not.

In other news, tonight a bunch of people from Liberti (the church I go to) and I are feeding the homeless at Logan Square here in Philly. The food is sure to be better then what I had for lunch and we are giving away winter clothing and sing charols. Should be a fun time! The last time I helped at Logan square I froze, but the people were amazing and cool. (I love people watching!). Happy Friday everyone!

The Stone King

Up on the purple mountain tops
above the mist covered valleys
Up where the air is thinner
and the sun harser, colder
There sits a stone carved face
A great king of old it might have been
with a high crown, hawk on wing
Now cracked, crumbled
now shattered, now humbled

Long has he sat staring
off o'er the mountain tops
Long has he been glaring
wondering how he lost
Long has he sat remembering
how once they bowed
how once he was king
Long has he sat
the high crown on his head
the hawk staring with him
off across the purple mountains

One day the rain will dissolve
and wind blow away
what makes him still a king
Some day he'll just be a rock
faceless, crown-less, cold
Up on the purple mountains

(link to picture)

Down by the River, Where the Water is Deep

Down by the Jordan
Where the river is deep
I went to wet my feet
I went to find a savior
Down by the Jordan
Where the river is deep

Take me, down, down, down
To the river
Take under, under, under
that cold water
Bring me up white as snow
And together we will go
O'er the Jordan, Onwards to Heaven
Oh my Brother and my sister
Down by the river
where that water is deep.

Take me, down, down, down
To the river
Take under, under, under
that cold water
Bring me up white as snow
And together we will go
O'er that water, Upwards to Heaven
Oh my brother and my sister
Come to the river
where the water is deep.

Numbers

Holiday Parties invited too: 3
Holiday Parties attended: 1
Holiday Parties still to go: 2
Random drinks w/ co-workers: 1
Random breakfast w/ roommate and friends: 1
Snow on the Ground: 0
Snow in the air: 1(flake this morning, that's it so far).
Hours my Sister and brother are driving to pick me up: 4 1/2
Hours to get home: 4 1/2
Presents Purchased in Stores: 5
Presents ordered online: 1
Presents yet to arrive by mail: 1
Presents wrapped: 2
To be wrapped: 4
Amount of wrapping paper left: 0
Number of Stockings on Mantle: 4
Number of Christmas trees in apartment: 0
Days Until Christmas: 12
Days Until I go home: 11
Days Until I go crazy: -13

Going Home

I'm going home, home, home,
the place were my haunts
are connected to trees,shadows,
and hollows in the ground.
Where the ghost of my younger self
still plays eternally, never to grow up

I'm going home, home, home,
where images of that ghost
lines the hallway smiling
through pictures kept in glass and wood
Where memory is visually, yet vague
time trapped unmovable and frosted

I'm going home, home, home
to find that ghost and steal it
steal its creativity, its life, its dreams
to steal the child that hides in me
Where my heart was hardened
against the past, to empower myself

I'm going home, home, home
where my history began
where my pain started and ran
ran away, ran inward, ran on and on
Home to where my ghost lives
where I was happy once.

I'm going home, home, home
to the only place I never belonged
to the place my heart lives
to the where my smiling picture
reminds me of my planned future
reminds me of where I went wrong

I'm going home, home, home
and yet, and yet, and yet
I am not going all the way
Not as deep as I could go
Rather I am visiting, touching
barely the past of joy and peace

Truly going home, home, home
would mean forgiving, forgetting
would mean mercy and love
would mean killing that ghost child
Where is my true home?
Where can I really go?

I'm going home, home, home
Not to where my ghost lives
Not to where my haunts remain
rather onward I will tread
Where angles 'round the thrown
sing about the grace of the Lord.

I'm going home, home, home
To the one in whom I belong
To where my history lives now
Where I am present and past and future
Where God's grace and mercy
Live in and all around me.

I'm going home, home, home
To the place where my soul belongs
where the soul comes from
Then only then, will I have peace
and heal the wounds of that other place
Take me away! Take me up there
For I'm going home, home, home...

Nearer the Veil

Bring me closer to the veil
closer to the thin spot between
Between heaven and earth
help me find the thin places
places were I can get closer
deeper, nearer, holier
Bring me closer to the veil

You came to earth,
You took on flesh
You alone came down
Through the veil,
Through, heaven, earth, and hell
You tore the veil
between God and men.

So draw me up, draw me close
Let nothing hide your face.
tear the veil that separates
with your blood
make a path between.

Possible Job

I have been working as a temp agent for a software company for about 11 months now. Of course for sometime now I have been hoping to get hired full time by the company (meaning they would buy out my temp. contract). Well, cross your figures, it might actually happen soon. I would be moving from customer support to the Social Media Coordinator position (which means lots of Twitter and Facebook for me). Its actually something that I have a great deal of interest in. There is something kind of fun about connecting with people and sharing information over social media.

Social media is such an interesting new part of the human interaction. My grandparents would never have dreamed of email when they were kids growing up at the end of World War 2. The fact that we can 'friend' people on a Internet page and keep track with calling or writing a letter is a little weird to them even now. And that does not even touch upon how 'connected' we have all become. On Facebook I have over 300 friends (I know people with a whole lot more), most of these friends are people from school, church, or work. A few are friends of friends of friends who I've met once and have not seen since. On Twitter (which I joined in early this past summer), I have almost 30 followers. Meaning that there are actually people out there who care what I can say in 140 characters.

Actually its Twitter that I find so amazing. When I first started I thought that it was a rather random way to connect to people and get information. Now I love it. I learn so much from the articles posted by all the random news organizations that I am following. I'm also amazing how easy it is to promote things through Twitter. For some of you, you found this post because I Tweeted it (or maybe through Facebook). Everything is connected, everything feeds into everything else. I don't read a news paper (I mean the printed kind), I don't watch news on the TV (some times I'll watch something short online), yet I feel decently well informed about a lot of what is going on.

I guess the real questions is... Is social networking a good thing? Go ahead tell me what you think. (Personally I think its OK as long as it is not the only means of communication, but your comments are still welcome.)

Family Stories (Monologue 1)

(Below is a monologue from a collection that I am writing. The idea is that each short monologue makes up one show. Yes they are loosely based on real life situations with my family. Please ask permission before performing this monologue, thank you.)

Setting: Two chairs center stage.
Young Women: (walks in and stands on chairs) I love my mother. I'm mean it, I love my mother, I do! Of course I have a million stories of our fights, good times, really bad time, and so on.... But still I love my mother. I love my mother. Even though (beat) when I was a child my mother used to 'forget' me. She was suppose to pick me up from dance or whatever and she would forget me. I think mostly it was the fact that I was the oldest and she did not have to worry about me, so she didn't. (beat; steps down off of chair) I got used to waiting for her and hearing the same excuse, 'oh I'm sorry Hun I forgot, was on autopilot'. But still I love my mother. (beat) One summer, I think if was before my sophomore year of high school, I was at soccer practice. It was a blistering hot morning, at 8am when we started, hot and humid. It was late August only about a week or so before school started. (acting out soccer practice) We had started with Indian runs and practice had only gotten worse, coach seemed to want to make us die of heat. 'Come on Lady's' He would yell swearing in Spanish when we did not do well enough. 'First games in five days!' While I'm at practice, (walks to other side of chairs) my mother is home making food for a dish to pass picnic that my family was going to later. (acting out mother making food). 'No you may not watch a movie, go outside!, if your bored you can weed the peas. Then find something to do, and stop bothering me, its too nice out for you to be sitting in side on your butt.' (looks at watch). "damn it I have to pick your sister soon...' (runs back to other side of chairs, goes back to daughter and soccer practice) 'is coach trying to kill us? Sara do you think he'll let us go Early?' (back to mother on other side of chairs) 'David! Stop making fun of your little brother and get in here!' (still cooking) 'ok I need you to keep an eye on this while I go get your sister, keep stirring it and don't let it burn. No James, you may not watch a movie. No TV what so ever. I mean it. (back to daughter). 'Finally, come on girls lets stretch out.' (leading stretches) 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...1,2,3,4,5....(back to mother) 'James I already said no, I need to leave or your sister is going to kill me.' (phone rings) 'Oh damn it... Hello?' (back to daughter). 'ya see you tomorrow!' (makes to take off cleats to change to sneakers). 'Don't worry about it coach, my mom should be on the way.' I know my Mom is not on the way... I know it... As soon as my coach leaves I pick up my bag and start walking. Its noon, even hotter then it was at eight when we started practice. (makes as if walking) Its about 4 and 1/2 miles to home... I love my mother, I love my mother, I love my mother... (back to mother) Damn it, David, make sure it does not burn. James go outside and behave yourself... I'm late! damn it... damn it... (back to daughter) I'm out of water and there is no shade on the road... hot hot hot... damn it. (beat) when I'm about half way home I see this green blur, which is the family truck, speed pass. I hear my mother break behind me turn around and speed back past me to park on the side of the road in front of me... part of me really wants to just pass the truck by and finish the walk home. But its too hot. I open the truck door, lug my bag inside and sit down (sits on chair) I don't look at my mother... (changes to other chair, as mother). 'So how was practice?' (moves to other chair, as daughter) I don't answer, my mother does not push the issue, we drive in silence homeward. (stands back up and then up onto chairs) As I said I love my mother.

Without You (A Monologue)

Women: All the stores are playing Christmas carols. I'm not even sure why I came to the mall today. I hate shopping around this time of year. I hate the fake Christmas cheer, hate the songs that get stuck in your head. If it were not for having to get something for my brother and his new wife, I would not be here. Theirs is the only present that I am getting this year. I'm not sending out Christmas cards, I'm not making cookies for the neighbors, and I am not singing in the Church's Christmas concert.

I pick out a rather nice vase for my brother and fill it with a bag of mixed nuts. I walk back through the mall past all the stores blasting music and the smiling busy customers. Past the court yard where parents are forcing their screaming children on to the lap of a perfect stranger. I remember the year you dressed up as Santa, I still have the pictures. How the children at church laughed.

Without you here there is no reason to celebrate. Without you there is no one to eat there is no one to eat the burnt cookies or sing those annoying songs with a smile and a skip. Without you I have no reason to sing.

(motions getting into a car) It takes me forever to get out of the parking lot. Forever to get to the post office. As I'm standing in line to mail out my brothers gift, I have to listen to more Christmas music. Your favorite song comes on, carol of the bells. You used to sing it loudly, slightly out of key and as fast as possible, while trying to ring the dinner bell your mother gave me. (laughing out loud) You where horrible and helarious. (suddenly stops laughing) One of the young men in line gives me a weird look, I've been laughing like a fool. The line shifts forward and the song changes. I block out the music, each song just reminds me of you. I send out the vase and quickly exit the Christmas filled post office.

(getting back in car)

As I drive home, trying to not look at the brightly lit trees in all the house windows, I wonder what you would think of me. Would you have given up on Christmas? Would you have felt so painfully aware of everyone elses good cheer. I pull into the driveway.  Our neighbors decided to triple the amount of lights they have on their house this year. Our house is dark. There is no tree no lights on the outside. I wonder if they are trying to make up for our house been so dark. It looks sad next to all the other houses. I like how it looks, its exactly how I feel.

I hurry inside from the driveway. The wind whips around me, snow flying aimlessly around. The kids are screaming and laughing down the street, they must be sledding. You loved that sledding hill. The house is dark, cold, silent, and void. Void of the one thing that I need, you. You where the Christmas Spirit, the one who sang the silly songs, strung the lights, and laughed constantly. Can you forgive me for not being able to have that same spirit without you? Can you forgive me for wanting to be alone?

Advent

I know that Advent has already started, but if you are looking for a devotional for the time leading up to Christmas, here is one that my Church put together. Several people, including myself, from the church community wrote the Devotional. Click Here to download the Advent Devotional. You can also get to the download through the Liberti Website. http://www.fairmount.liberti.org/

If your in Philly you can stop by on Sunday morning and get a hard copy!

Explaining the Poem

My best friend lost her Grandpa about a week ago. Unfortunately I can't go to the funeral. Unfortunately not because I love funerals, but because I really want to support her. The first couple of funerals that I attended I remember very odd things about. I remember legs and very tall grownups. I remember a lot of laughter and tears. I remember touching the cold face of my Great Grandmother. I remember the smell of the flowers. I remember my father trying not to cry.

Actually its my father's crying that always gets to me. My father is a good hearted, slightly sarcastic, bald, 50 something runner. He tends to come off as very strict or scary to people when they first meet him (my high school friends where all terrified of him at first). When he cries he tends to pretend at first that he is not crying. When that fails, he tries to hold it in. Whenever he cries my sister and I are sure to start. Its hard not too. So the poem is kind of my memories all mixed together. Memories of all those funerals I've gone too, both from my childhood and those that are more recent. Its in honor of those that we have lost, and yet more importantly it is in honor of the life they lived.

Saying Goodbye

I remember walking into brightly lit room
Every lamp was on, everything so bright
Except the windows, the windows shone night
Through the empty chairs and potted plants
Past the many pictures in old frames
Through the legs of relatives I hardly remember
But they all know me, they all know me.

There are tears in the eyes of my father
He is hiding them badly, my mother
my mother has been crying, but now
now her eyes are simply red and puffy
We walk forward, my sister in my fathers arms
Forward past the relatives I don't know
Toward the coffin, flowers encircling
I'm just tall enough to look inside

There she lays my grandmother
her skin is very white, its very odd
Her eyes are closed, she could be sleeping
Yet I know that she is not.
I remember the story of sleeping beauty
I wonder if all she needs is a kiss
Her hands are clasped at her chest
I remember them hold my own
I remember the corn chowder
watching wheel of fortune after school
I remember her smell, her smile
I remember, barely

"You can touch her." my mother whispers
I do tentatively. I bring back my hand quickly
She is cold, too cold, too weird, dead
The word has a meaning, a strong one.
I begin to understand, barely
I want to leave, I hate crying in public
My mother is talking with family
My father has finally broken down
He screws up his face, crying hard
I cry, whenever my father does,
and thus tears form in my eyes
they run down my cheeks.

I remember, barely that day
And her I remember slightly
I wish that I could remember more
Wish I could have know her better
Wish I could have said Goodbye.

December

It is officially December! Last night my roommates and I hung stockings on our mantle (yes we have a mantle). And we are discussing getting a real tree for the living room too. Of course that means that we have to get decorations. I have a ton of stuff at my parents house in the way of ornaments, but I have none of them with me of course. If I was smart I would have brought them back with me when I was home for Thanksgiving. December also means that I have to start thinking about X-mas gifts. Being poor, this is always a interesting and crazy affair.

Also my Christmas with my family with year is going to be a little rushed. For the first time I am going to spend less the four days at home for the holidays. During school I always had a month or so, and last year I had about a week. The year before I was living at home, so it did not matter that I had to work every day but Christmas and New Years. I also feel very behind. I have yet to do my x-mas cards for this year. Between grad applications, the first one is due Dec 15th (the others are not due till Jan, or later). I guess I just feel very behind and busy. And yet, it is very normal for X-mas.

25 Days!

I'm Back!

Holidays are always crazy. I went home via MegaBus on Wednesday and came back Saturday late afternoon. Thanksgiving was good, as per tradition I ate too much and I made two of the pies. Actually my sister and I did a lot of the cooking this time. She made the squash rolls, I did two pies and the cranberry relish/salad. Mom did the stuffing and Turkey this year (which I did last year). Between the three of us we are getting really good at cooking together... although the kitchen is very small. The best thing was that one of my best friends ever came and had dinner with us.

The next day I slept in (a lot) and hung around the house most of the morning. Then as a family we went to see Tangled (amazing!). I don't remember the last time we all went to the movie theatre... it was so much fun. Then we all went back home made/ate dinner and played Pitch afterwards. Saturday morning I woke up a little later then I should have and packed everything up. Around 11 my mum, sister, and I left for Philly. Once in Philly we went to TraderJoe's, then to my apartment. We went for a little walk and made dinner (salmon and asparagus). After dinner and dishes, we went to Anthropologie and wondered around the store ooohing and ahhhhing at things and wishing that we had money. After going through the whole store we headed back to my apartment and went to bed. Sunday morning my mum and sister left (my sister left her pillow). All in a all a very nice holiday, although my check this next week is going to be horrible.

The best thing is just being back at my apartment, I love being home, but it is always too crazy. Now I just have to catch up on my sleep. Anyone else need a holiday from their holiday?

Oh and I got my phone replaced, using my mums old one. ATT is amazing and gave me a free new sim card!! Just lost all my contacts, which sucks.

Love Me?

Your eyes are green, your hair is brown
you're taller then me, your better looking
your heart is big, and your soul is clean
could you exist, could you love me?

You're good with children, have a good family
You'll love my mom, and respect my dad
You'll be good at fixing things, a good handy man
could you exist, could you love me?

My shopping list is growing,
I wish that I could create you
make you exactly as I want you
but mostly I just want you.
could you exist, could you love me?
love me?

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow I am going home for Thanksgiving. I am super excited about this. Thanksgiving is a family time. And of course I have not seen my family in a month. I hate going so long without seeing them. But it is also just a good time to go home. I think my body is so used to going home at this time of year. All though school I always went home for Thanksgiving. So now that I am away from home, I just want to go home. So I might not do a lot of posting the rest of the week. Just a heads up.

Lost Cell Phone

Well this is a great way to start my Week! Sunday I went and saw Harry Potter at the Franklin Institutes Imax Dome. The movie was amazing... the dome was cool. Everything was honky dorry, that is until I got home and realized I did not have my cell phone. I had the cell phone right before the movie. So I either left at the theatre, or I lost it on the bike ride home (which is unlikely). My hope is that it is at the movie theatre. I have called the Franklin Institute twice and left messages for the people at the lost and found.

The good thing is that when I look online at ATT, no phone calls have been made on my phone (which I take as a good sign). Its just really scary that I don't have a phone. And it worse if I have to get a new one (I so do not have the money). What an amazingly bad start to my week. Wonderful....

Winter is Coming

Red leaves flicker, golden red candles, dancing with winds fingers
Grey clouds linger, down filled pillows, whipped with winds thoughts
Green grass withers, crumpled scrap paper, gathered with winds help
blue sky hovers, a gull never resting, unchanged by the winds blows
Fall gently fades, a rose frost covered, fleeing the winds chill
Winter is coming, bones they tell me, and wind laughs in the trees.

One Year

This November marks my one year Anniversary of moving to Philly. I signed my lease on the 15th and moved in the weekend after. It does seem a little strange that I have been in the City that long. I've done three shows (all with Dawson Street Dramatic Society). I found a church, a community, and a job (although its still temp right now) :-(

The funny thing is that most people I know are not from Philly. True I do know a good bunch who all grew up in various neighborhoods in Philly. But the big majority of people I know grew up outside the city. It seems to be a rather transient place. People love and hate Philly, much in the same way people love and hate where ever they are living. Philly has its perks and its problems. Yet over the year it has become home. I really do love this city. I love its heart beat, its problems, its people. I want to touch my neighbors, fix the problems.

I kind of wonder what everyone else feels about Philly? What are your favorite spots in Philly, for shopping, eating, grocery shopping, etc? Your favorite neighborhood?

For me I love West Philly, kind of because that is were I ended up by default. If I had to choice another it would be the Fairmount/Art museum area or around Rittenhouse Square. Favorite shopping spot is around Rittenhouse Square (but I can't afford anything over there *cough* Anthropologie *cough*). My favorite place to eat is hard, it depends on the food. Although I really like Jack's Firehouse, on Fairmount. Favorite grocery store, Trader Joe's.

Comment back with your favorites...

Playing Matchmaker

I received the most hilarious email from my Grandmother today. It seems that my grandparents met a family that has a son who is 25, tall dark and handsome (and a marine). Basically she is playing Matchmaker, or was asking permission to be a matchmaker.

I'm getting used to this. I am a single 25 year old. Everyone is trying to play matchmaker. And of course the fact that I have never had a boy-friend (unless you count the many I had in kinder garden and 1st grade), makes people think they need to help me out. Its not that I am not interested, I am, I'm just picky.

Historically I would be married by now or considered an old maid. Matchmaking is old too, although my favorite 'matchmaking' characters are all from novels or plays. And of course one of my favorite musicals has a whole song about Matchmaking. 'Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch' (Fiddler on the Roof). Of course now a days we have electrical matchmakers, who find people based on 'combatiblity' and looks. There are so many match making services online that it is scary (And I don't plan to ever use them).

I'm not sure where I am going with all this, but I did find it rather hilarious to have my Grandmother playing Matchmaker (Although if I was reading this is a book, I feel like it would make a great start to a romance novel, hmmm).

Pure Hell

(The following I wrote after reading CS Lewis' The Great Divorce, and listening to an amazing sermon by Geoff Bradford at Liberti Church on the Parable of the rich man and Lazarus.)

Welcome to Hell, its pure and simple and void
Devils all wear white, but their feet are dirty
like a child who went puddle stomping
And their nails are long and dirty too
Teeth like those of a wolf, pointed, sharp
And their smile is more of a snarl
And their laughter gets under your skin
Welcome to Hell, you all want to be here
After all why give up, what makes you you?

There is no fire, no brimstone, no red walls
rather its dank and half lit and full of fear
Surely it would be better if it was easy torture
Rather it is a burning within, the lack of light
The choice to stay away, to stay down.
Welcome to Hell, you made it you know
You made this dank hole, you made your choice
Welcome to Hell, its pure and simple and void
Of the God you hate, of the God you don't want

Heaven is impossible for me to imagine
Too glorious for my words to describe it right
Heaven is Pure love, Pure light, Pure Beauty
Heaven is where you lose yourself and find
find that which you had in you all along
Heaven is glorious, wondrous, holy
Heaven is better then an imagination can supply

Hell is pure in its depravity, hell is void of all right
You might argue that there are no right or wrong answers
Argue that everything is varied in degrees
you might say that good and bad are just words
but they are true realities, there is such a thing
as pure black and pure white.
I do not believe in realities...
And thus, I believe in a pure horrible Hell
And thus, I believe in a pure glorious Heaven.

Moving...

I always seem to forget how much stuff I have. I have more clothing then I really need. I have pictures, books, DVDs, statues, and other random things. I have a dresser, a wash stand, a desk, a stand up mirror, a bed (frame, box spring, and mattress), desk chair, two other wooden chairs (one with cushions), two wire shelving units, a covered clothing rack a coat rack, a small side table, a folding card table, a bike, and two book cases. Yesterday I had to move all of that stuff to a new apartment. Lucky for me I had four really amazing friends to help me. We had everything into the truck then moved into the new apartment in less then four hours.

Of course now I have to organize and unpack it all. Well I got a lot of it unpacked yesterday. I only have to unpack books and and organize my desk. Then I can start decorating. But I've digressed, let me get back to the fact that I have too much stuff. I feel like life should be a whole lot more simple. So I really need all that clothing? Do I really need all of this stuff? There are people out there who don't even have a roof over their head, or food to eat. Even though I am a poor, in American terms, I have a ton more than I need. I guess having to pack and move it all made me realize how lucky I am.

Take Me to a Place Where I Belong

I have no place on this sphere to call home
my soul does not belong here
On this plain my body does stand
But my soul does not belong here
I stumble blindly flesh and bone
'cause my soul does not belong here
And if I am not able to be whole here
my soul must belong else where

Bring me together, make me one
Take me to a place where I belong
My body, mind, soul, and heart cry out
Take my strength, my thought, my love
take each part of me, tear me down
take me to that place where I belong
For my soul does not belong here.

Anger I feel, love and jealousy too
my heart breaks for somewhere else
And strength will fade, my body melt
still my heart breaks for somewhere else
This sphere, this plain, is harsh and cold
and my heart breaks for somewhere else
So if I am unable to be whole here
O my heart will keep on a'breaking

Bring me together, make me one
take me to a place where I belong
My body, mind, soul and heart cry out
take my strength, my thought, my love
take each part of me, tear me down
take me to the place where I belong
for my heart breaks for somewhere else.

And in this place, where a vale hides your face
where we wait, (we wait, we wait)
Do not forget, come like the thief
And steal us all away, Oh Lord, steal us all away.

Bring me together, make me one
take me to a place where I belong
My body, mind, soul, and heart cry out
take my strength, my thought, my love
take each part of me, tear me down
take me to the place where I belong
for my soul does not belong here
my heart breaks for somewhere else
for my soul does not belong here
and my heart breaks for somewhere else

Blue Painted Devils

Woad we mix with ash, ash from our dead, ash to remind us how they died
Blue its color, deeper then the day's clear sky, brighter then twilight's
Lines across our faces and bodies, marks of our resolve, our revenge
We are off to battle a steel bodied army, men who stole our souls
Like the wolves which round these delves and glens roam
Wolves that howl in darkness of night and hunt by scent of blood
We howl in pain for our dead and crave the blood of those who murdered them
Like wraths we run o'er this stone ground driven by souls themselves
Like the wolves we smell their blood, and it quickens our feet
Upon them we will bring a destruction, upon them we will bring death
We send them back to the gods that sent them.
And they will call us the Blue Painted Devils, and fear us, fear us
Woad we mix with ash, ash from our dead, ash to remind us how they died
Soon they're murders will remember too, will feel our pain as their own.

The Battle

Upon the northern marches
a cold wind blows a warning
The birds and beast heed only
searching out nests and holes
and all around the mountains
where mist covers valleys
And trees are bent sentries
The clouds shift over the sun
And build far up into the sky
A south wind dances wildly
smelling of warm sun
with memories of cinnamon
Chased off by the northern gale
which brings the first march
through the valleys deep
and over the mountains high
While off to the South another
gathers in strength to meet it
Again the South wind taunts
And again the North wind answers
Slowly the two giant clouds gather
Sit on the top of the mountain ring
hover over the valley
over which the battle will unfold
The Southern group, folds itself up
and whips up to the west
blocking the sun's late day light
while the North flanks to the east
Together they crash and fight
they mount higher up the sky
darkness covers the valley
its grasses follow the dancing winds
which whorl and crash together
Rain floods down, blood or tears
of the great beast fighting above
Together they fight, until one cloud
One huge beast emerges.
South becomes North
North becomes South
The torment inside unseen only felt
Till off to the South the winds dance
And the beast, the giant
moves to follow them.
Across the mountains it marches
its wind laughing in terror or jest
Behind the terror of the battle
lessens, as it moves away
the mists again gather
and cover the damage
a white cloud, a ghost
which knows well what
has happened in the sky
the mountains are unmoved
the valleys deeper or wetter
gather the mists as a blanket
and a soft eastern wind
caresses the fallen guard trees
calls the beast from their holes, nests
Well upon the Northern marches
a lonely northern wind calls
crys for its fallen brethren
sings for the many fallen
foretells the battles to come.

Packing

Last night I signed a sublease agreement and I paid the security deposit too. So this Sunday I am moving. Its only a move of about 10 or 11 blocks. It takes about 20 mins to walk there from where I now live. The new apartment is nice, clean, new kitchen and bathroom. There is a dishwasher, washer, and dryer. I'm in general very happy! The fun part is packing. I hate packing. I hate having to organize everything and somehow move it all. I'm glad that I have a couple of friends to help me out. Its not like I have a ton of stuff, but every time I move I think I have too much (I probably do have too much). Could be interesting. Hopefully I have a couple of people with strong muscles to help carry some of the stuff down the stair to the van and then from the van into the new room.

What is going to take the most time is packing it all up and cleaning the apartment. I have to clean the whole apartment by myself. I really need to wash the floors in the kitchen and bathroom, plus all the other things that really need to be cleaned. Basically the next four nights and all of Saturday I will be cleaning and packing. Should be interesting. Hopefully I can figure it all out so that Sunday is relatively easy. Wish me luck!

Orange

Citrus crisp and sour
Green on the tree
washed brighter
cut you in half
and squeeze out
juice to drink
in mornings
Or sections pealed
with bright fruit
and juice dripping
down my chin.

Begining of a Story (The Light Clan's Dark Daughter).

(This is something I have been working on for a little while... thought you all might enjoy the beginning... more to come. The title is still in the works).

The castle was full of sunlight, after the darkness of her father's mansion. Marcus, one of the many servants was leading her through the halls she knew by heart to the throne room. White marble covered every surface, the walls the floor, each step. The ceilings and windows alone showed a difference, in one room rose wood, another gold leaf. She wished that it was darker, like her father's. Darkness would be easier to hide in. Darkness would mask the mood which she was sure shown in this bright place. Even Marcus could tell she was troubled, though he would never dare to speak. The labyrinth walk ended before two enormous oak doors, carved with the symbols of the king's household.

She took a deep breath as Marcus opened the doors with a flourish. Prince James turned with a smile, his father was hiding one, she could read it in his eyes.
"Lady Marianissa" She bowed, Marcus closed the doors behind her, she jumped as they slammed closed behind her. Standing aimlessly around the room were the king's advisers. The king motioned for her to move forward.
"I'm told Lady, that you have a message for us?"
"Yes sire, and a name. But both are for your ears, meaning yourself and the prince's, no one else."
"A message and a name? Who from?" the king motioned for the others to leave. Thankfully they trusted her or thought they could. Lord Bondmic had the nerve to wink at her, he would not be winking later. She waited till everyone had left than took a couple of more steps toward the throne.
"The message is of course from my father." She paused James was staring at her in that annoying way of his that she both hated and loved. "the name is one I think you already know."
"And must we hear the message first?" the king was light hearted today, she had that effect on both of them. If only they knew what kind of danger they were in.
"You may hear them in which ever order you wish." The king pertended to ponder for a moment. Marianissa did not mind the order. Although she hoped they would want the name first, somehow she figured it would make it easier. After all the message was more like an action a final and very complete action.
"I think we'll hear the name first." Marianissa smiled, how was it that she knew he would want the name first?
"Nissandra Diana Messadria" James looked quickly at his father in shock, she had expected his look. The king's was harder to judge. the king was the only one she wondered about, did he know or guess who she was? Was he the only one who guessed the truth of her blood?
"how do you know that name?" James whispered.
"Perhaps we should ask for the message before we ask questions." The king was still impossible to read. But than again Marianissa knew that he could not read her either.
"Are the message and the name connected?" James asked, he had stopped flirting with her, which always meant he felt the situation had gotten serious. She felt the dagger at her side, they were almost to the point that she would put it to the kings throat. "Maria?" Only the king ever called her by her full name. Her father called her nissa, James, Maria, but than again it was not her true name.
"They are connected, though my father did not plan the connection." She did not speak directly to James, her feelings for him were already making this difficult. For a brief moment she saw a bloody dagger protruding from the chest of Lord Baron, the man she had killed in order to get this close to both the king and his son.
"One more questions my dear before I have you give me the message. Does your father know that name?" The king was very eager for this answer. He leaned forward, eyes gleaming. Marianissa took a couple of steps forward, it was the perfect excuse, to get within striking range. She would tell the truth there was no need to lie, but there was another question under the surface, that the King also wanted to know. She would answer them both.
"No, my father never knew her by that name."
"Who?" She had anticipated James asking that questions.
"Her mother" The king whispered, so he had made a guess at who she really was, interesting. The king leaned towards her "You have her eyes" He whispered. Marianissa had known they had met long ago, she wondered what history would have been like if they had followed the path that had been set for them, instead of trying to make their own fate. James looked both incredulous and confused, Marianissa dearly wanted to laugh at him, it was an amazingly handsome look.
"But" James began, but the King held up his hand.
"Before the whole story is told, I think it best we hear the message." Marianissa bowed her head and with her left hand clasped the dagger which soon would mix the blood of both the kind and the prince. After all she needed to keep her promises.
"The message is simply this." With lightening speed she flew at the king. Seconds later the blood of the king and the prince were mingled on the blade in her hand.

Ridiculously Good Looking (Yes I stole this from Zoolander)

On the 19th I am going to a birthday party of a friend, basic enough. The fun (slightly crazy) part is that it is a 80's/Back to the Future party. The first questions I had was what in the world am I going to wear? Typical girl question. I have a couple of different options, the questions is what kind of 80's style do I want to go for? Do I go super punk, with spiked hair, jeans, lots of black and a bad ass attitude? Or do I go as a super fashionable, big hair, bigger shoulder pads and crazy amounts of lace and necklaces, like a Material Girl? Or maybe super prep? Or work out gear withe matching sweat bands and crazy tights? There is so much to choose from.

Of course I grew up in the 80's, there are plenty of pictures of my sister and I in matching floral dresses, with big bows in our hair. And my parents where married in the 80's... huge puffed sleeves, is all I have to say about that. And I love U2, Queen, AC/DC and Led Zeppelin (yes I know they are not all 80's bands, its what I grew up listening too, that and Achy Breaky Heart, but that was after the 80's). And yes I listened too plenty of ABBA and Bon Jovi and Micheal Jackson.

The funny thing is, alot of 80's fashions are coming back, like shoulder pads and legging. Just be sure, no matter what, I will be Ridiculously cool looking. And if you want to talk back I'll reply with (as Marty McFly in Back to the Future) Silence Earthling! My name is Darth Vader. I am an extraterrestrial from the planet Vulcan! (so there)

I Love You Mostly, Most of the Time

Most of the time we love each other
Most of the time its wonderful
Most of the time we kiss and make up
Most of the time its fun

I love you mostly, most of the time
I love the way we never rhyme
Love how silly the two of us are
Hate the way you can mar
I love you mostly, most of the time
And most of the time we're fine
most of the time we're fine

Most of the time you drink too much
Most of the time its horrible
Most of the time your just hate me
Most of the time its bad

Still I love you mostly most of the time
I love the way that we never rhyme
love the way your hand fits in mine
hate the way we pretend to be fine
I love you mostly most of the time
And most of the time its ok
Most of the time we're ok

Mostly you love me
Mostly I love you
Mostly its all alright

I hate you mostly most of the time
I hate the way that we never rhyme
hate the way your hand hits me
loving you still is strangely easy
I hate you mostly most of the time
Still most of the time it ok
Most of the time we're fine
 
Most of the time we love each other
Most of the time its wonderful
Most of the time we kiss and make up
Most of the time its fun

I love you mostly, most of the time
I love the way we never rhyme
Love how silly the two of us are
Hate the way you can mar
I love you mostly, most of the time
And most of the time we're fine
most of the time we're fine

Just Wait

Wait, hold on, just wait
I'm just trying to be
please, please don't remind me
keep my mind free
please, please just wait

History is not free for me
its full of junk I'd rather
I'd rather forget
or could forget, so
hold on, just wait
please, please just wait

In my mind all I remember
I need to work through this
need to figure it all out
need to know where I'm going
I need to be the driver
Or at least the person with the map
emotionally I'm a wreck.

So, hold on, just wait

I'm just trying to be
please, please don't remind me
keep my mind free
please, please just wait

How can I be free?
How can I be healed?
How do I just deal?
How do I trust an
outcome I don't understand?
How can I be free?

So, hold on, just wait

I'm just trying to be
please, please don't remind me
keep my mind free
please, please just wait

Billie Elliot

I'm sure a lot of people have seen the movie of Billie Elliot, but I am ashamed to say that I watch it for the first time last night (thanks to Netflix). I cried a lot, which is normal for me. Its such a beautiful story about family, dream, and finding what makes you happy. The emotions are amazing. The hardships of the time and place that it is set and just the journey of Billie himself makes it a compelling watch. Then there is the dancing. There is this awkward boy dancing his heart out, kicking his heels at the world. Makes me wish I could dance more. Of course, being poor me, I have not seen the musical version of the movie yet either. I hear it is amazing and I'm sure that it is. I've heard the music and it is very good.

What the movie really got me thinking about is my own dreams, my dream of being an actress and writer. If I could have half of the determination of Billie in that movie, I wonder where I would be. I guess I need to kick myself in my butt and get myself going...

Ideas

I sit at my lap top, stare at the blank screen
Some days i quickly fill blank pages
with rambling stories, or poems without rhyme
But today, today...
I have no idea what to write.
It seems my brain is empty
totally void, no ideas

So I'm sitting here writing this useless poem
Because the only idea I currently have is none
Perhaps tomorrow will be better for writing
Maybe tomorrow I'll have an idea what I'm doing...
But tomorrow, the page is still blank, still empty
And I may not have any ideas then
Anyone have any ideas, that I can steal?
Because today, today...
I have no idea what to write.
It seems my brain is empty
totally void, no ideas.

All Saint's Eve

The dark cool stone stands over the grave
Which shadows the ground or' of some passed soul
The piles of leaves brown, orange, yellow, red
Which scatter over the hallowed ground.
The naked trees, branches dancing, grabbing
Which scrap the dark sky and bright moon.
The cool breeze which blows around
Which through the trees makes a sound

All Saint's Eve
Lets creep, lets sing
Of everything dark
Of everything mean
All Saint's Eve
Lets spook, lets yell
Of everything horrid
Which makes you scream
All Saint's Eve

The Meadow

The dawn rose through the mist surrounded trees in pinks and purples. The low hung clouds which slowly moved westward, kept the west dark. Most of the pre-sunrise light had been blocked by those dark shadow laden clouds. Now, minutes before the sun broke over the horizon, the light was shifting through hanging tree limbs and cold mist. The colors were mixed and vibrant, dark grey sky over light pink and purple mist, shifting through green and black trees. The first ray of full sun pierced through it all, blinding, beautiful, brilliant, almost belligerent. The night flew off to the west with the wind and dark clouds. Glorious morning surrounded the glen.

Birds, singing in the bright morning flinted hither and thither around the small cottage. The hanging branches and twigs of the nearby willow, flicked the small yellow brown leaves off and into the slight breeze, where they gathered in disorganized bunches all over the rock strewn meadow which encircled the small cottage. The mists and jabbing sunlight sifted through the the half bare trees.shadows and beams of light chased each other through the forest and around the meadow. The cottage, roof low over the front porch, stayed dark. The shutters where closed, the thatched roof covered with leaves and small twigs. Around were long waving grasses and late fall wild flowers.

The cottage seemed abandoned, there was no noise, except for the twittering birds. The birds and a nervous hare were the only movement outside of the shadows and sunlight. The mists were slowly disappearing and the shadows becoming less. The sun rose higher, yet to break fully free of the trees, but well seen through the almost bare branches. Yet still the cottage was dark and silent.

Suddenly the hare dashed off through the tall grasses to hide among the tree branches. The birds too for a moment seemed to fall silent, but the silence was short lived. The front door of the cottage scrapped open and closed. A man, barely seen through the shadow of the porch stood surveying the meadow before him, leaning carelessly against the wall of the cottage next to the door. The sun rose still farther, now nearly over had and finally free of the tree branches. A horse whinnied from the north of the meadow. The man tensed, but continued to lean. The birds fled when the first great horse entered the clearing, dark hoods covered the faces of the three riders. They stopped at the edge of the meadow, more apart of darkness and night then the glorious fall day the surrounded them. They waited and watched the man leaning on the wall next the the cottage. Time itself seemed to hold.

Company

If you have never seen or heard the music from Company you need to watch it. Its an amazing look at relationships. And of course Stephen Sondheim is just amazing! See the lyrics to my favorite song in the Musical,

Being Alive

Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
To ruin your sleep
To make you aware
Of being alive

Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too well
Someone to pull you up short
To put you through hell
To give you support
In being alive
Being alive

Someone you have to let in
Someone whose feelings you spare
Someone who, like it or not
Will want you share
A little, a lot

Someone to crowd you with love
Someone to force you to care
Someone to make you come through
Who'll always be there
As frightened as you
Of being alive
Being alive
Being alive
Being alive

Somebody, hold me too close
Somebody hurt me too deep
Somebody, sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive
Being alive

Somebody, need me too much
Somebody, know me too well
Somebody, pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive
Make me alive

Make me confused
Mock me with praise
Let me be used
Vary my days
But alone is alone
Not alive

Somebody, crowd me with love,
Somebody, force me to care,
Somebody, make me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive!

Thirty Five New Friends

This past weekend I went on a retreat. There were almost forty people there, and before I went I 'knew' two of them. So on average I hung out, talked, connected, and such with about thirty five people that did not know before last weekend. It was a great weekend too, the Philly's lost (good news), the Yankee's lost (boo), we 'hiked' to a waterfall (that was sadly not that amazing as waterfalls go, but nice), we saw a bolder field (more then a football field full of boulders and rocks absolutely amazing!) and in general hung out.

Mostly the weekend was designed for all of us to figure out if we wanted to be a part of the Church I've been going too. But in reality it was just a really great way to connect with other people. It started Friday night, with a four hour drive, which should have only taken two. We got caught in horrible traffic mostly, which made the trip up to the Poconos rather annoying. Once there we met a couple of people, and set up out beds. Unfortunately my bed was on the landing which was open to the main living space below, which meant I could hear everyone in the kitchen and living room downstairs. After a short amount of sleep, I helped to set up for breakfast. After breakfast Saturday we gathered for teaching/talk. Then we had lunch (taco salad, which was amazing).

After lunch a lot of us got in cars to go for a hike, which was really a glorified walk to a near by water fall. It was a nice little walk, and the water fall was nice, but could not really stand up to the waterfalls I am used to around my parents house. After sitting in the slight peacefulness, watching the water and feeling the warmth of the sun, we walked back to the cars. The next sight was the bolder field, one of the most amazing sights I've seen in the USA. It is a whole field (more then a football field) of boulders. Nothing grows through and you can walk with caution over the large rocks. All the rocks where dumped by a glacier, and it was really a cool sight.

Back at the house, I took a short nap, after which we had dinner. We had another teaching/talk, then turned on the Phillie's game. Although I am not a Philly's fan, it was a fun game to watch, although after the last pitch, which ended any series hopes for the Philly's the TV was quickly shut off and everyone silently went to bed. The mood was rather sober and sad (personally I was happy). I quickly fell to sleep.

The next morning I woke with the sun rising through the trees (which means really early). We had breakfast then Sunday morning worship/teaching, which ended with Communion. We all then quickly cleaned the house up and started to organize the left over food for people to take home. a couple of hours later found us on the way back to the city (which took a little less the two hours, since there was basically no traffic). At home I did some chores and watched a movie and went to bed really early. All in all a very good trip out of the city, although it seemed to go by really fast. And supposedly I have 35ish new friends too (fun).

Get Me Out of the City

One thing that I find really annoying about living in the city is that it never gets really dark (when you live in the city this is a good thing). I am used to night being dark, like pitch dark. This is just one of the things that, when I think about it, really annoys me about living in the city. So this weekend I am getting out of the city. I'm going on a retreat, with a ton of people I don't know and a couple of people I kind of know. We are going out to the Pocono's near a small lake. Google maps, makes it look good, although it is not really as 'country' as I would like. But hey, at least I will be out of the city.

And let me quantify that I do not hate living in the city. I actually love not having a car, being able to walk, bike, or take SEPTA every where. But deep down, I'm a country girl, who misses mud between my toes and a dark night with a sky full of stars. I miss speeding on the back roads, being able to drive to a forest less then half an hour away and not see any houses or people. I miss seeing kin (cows for you city folk) and horses. And yes I actually miss that really lovely smell that you get when the local farms cleans the barns and sprays it all over the fields after harvest.

So I guess it is about time to just get out of the city. Also it will be good to learn more about the Church I have been going to and have some very directed study in God's word. Two nights Two days away... And there is a hot tub! ya whoooooo

Fig tree

I am like a fig tree which has grown no fruit
Like a lantern under a basket
Like a city hiding in the valley
I too often run in the wrong direction
And if this is a race, I'm out of shape
When will your patients end?
When will you give me what I deserve?
when like that fig tree, will you chop me down
when will you burn me? Destroy me?

You're like the gardener helping me grow
you remove the basket and put me up high
build me up on a hill above darkness
guide me back in the right direction
my trainer, making sure I'm in shape
Your grace and love strength me
You got everything that I deserve.
So help me to cling to you Oh Lord
Burn away the bad, strengthen the good.

Purple Ribbon

Today I am wearing a purple ribbon. For those of you who don't know, today is a day to honor all those people who have committed suicide this past year. I must admit suicide is the one thing that I struggle with. Part of me is angry at the person who thought it was better just to end it all, with no thought to their family or their friends. The other part wonders if there was more I could have done. Could I have acted differently, said something nice. Would a smile have changed how they felt about themselves?

In reality I feel like I am wearing this ribbon not for those who have passed, but for those that they left behind. Death in general has a huge impact on our lives. However, those that take their own lives, seem to cause more of an impact. So today think of all those families that have had to deal with not just death, but the idea that their loved one would rather face death then life. Wear purple. And maybe check up on that friend who is going through a hard time.

Teach Me

Lay me under the sky of blue
beneath the heavenly bodies, which move
across the Sky in never ending dance.
Lay me beneath the flowering trees
who's leaves in spring unfold bright green
and turn orange in the passing of
the warmth of summer.
and leave the bare branches in winter cold.
Lay me below the flowers at dawn
which reflex the sky multi-colored array
so flowers above, in summer heat
would drip flagrance sweet over me.
Lay me under this green grass
beneath the roots, beneath the stones
below the feet of wondering men.
Lay me to sleep like the leaves of fall
piled in brown, unused masses.
lay me down to sleep, cover me well.
protect me, guard me, hover over me
as you did the dark water in thought
lay me down teach me thy peace

Tear me apart brick by brick
as a recking ball crashing through
a condemned building, falling down.
Tear into me, leave nothing standing.
make sure to scatter me to the wind
dig up my basement, wash it all way
Tear me down so only you remain.
fell me as a tree, skin my bark
lop off my branches, tear my leaves
cut me up and burn me in your fires
Tear me apart, part from part
tear me down. till nothing is there
tear me apart from everything else
tear me apart, teach me your power.

Gather me in as you would a child
who holds before you a hurt thumb
kiss it, mend it with a smile
Gather me into your lap as you
hug me and tell me the story of life
heal my fears, my pains, my bones
Gather me loosely, all of my parts
together, yet separate, like cream a top milk
Gather me under thy wings like a hen
pull me in and cover me up.
that I never loose track of your
wondrous love, your wondrous grace
Gather me out of my wild abandonment.
Gather me up off the floor of my despair
gather me in as you could all the stars.
as you can to all you have made
Gather me in teach me thy love.

Apartment Hunting

So my lease is up Nov 15th. Which means right now, besides filling out applications to grad schools, I am apartment hunting. Right now I'm connecting with people through church and through craigslist to find somewhere to move too. The big questions is, which neighborhood do I want to end up in? I want to be in a better neighborhood, but here in Philadelphia that is a very relative. I would love to have thousands of dollars at my disposal so I could live in a amazing area like Rittenhouse Square, but I am still working temp. Yes my boss is still trying to bring me on full time. Yes I might have more money to play with in the future. No I will not have enough to live in most of the really nice places in Philly.

So for now I am looking at the areas I know are decent. Southwest Philly, Fairmount, and Fishtown. The winning apartment is going to be cheap, clean, with good roommates, and decent neighborhood. In another words a lot of bang for my buck. If anyone knows of a good place let me know!

Beautiful

Dripping ever so slowly
violently dreaming downward
while a paint brush rushes
onwards to fix what
just is not right.
can you undo
all the good in your life?

Don't let them tell you you are not beautiful

whine just a little
blast away in the darkness
while a string cares forward
a bright little ditty
you never liked
can you destroy
all the joy in your heart?

Don't let them tell you you are not beautiful

twirl off tilter
plunge into the easy ways
while your feet try to follow
the path that is
harder to tread
can you extinguish
all the fight in your soul?

Don't let them tell you you are not beautiful

You are more beautiful then a morning
painted freely across the sky
more beautiful then the sound track
and the bird's thunderous reply
More beautiful then the dancing
of the stars in the heavens above

Don't let them tell you you are not beautiful

Birthday and Home

Today I am celebrating my birthday by working over 8hours, eating really good Chinese food for lunch, and filling out grad. applications tonight. The best part of it all is the Sour Bubble Tea that I'm drinking at the moment. The reason that I am working until 5:30 tonight is that I went home this past weekend to see my family and celebrate my birthday. 

It started with me catching the bus from Philly to Syracuse (which is a new route by Mega Bus). I talked and laughed with the other people waiting in line, impatiently since the bus was late. Once the bus arrived, I was annoyed to find out that both the wi-fi and the electricity was not working, meaning I (1) could not get on the web and (2) that my mac ran out of juice about two hours into the four hour and twenty minutes trip.  I arrived at Syracuse were my sister was waiting for me. We hugged and headed to the mall near by since I was dieing of hunger (having not eaten since breakfast and it being almost 1pm). Then we wondered around the mall a little, talking and doing a little shopping. My brothers, impatient to see me, kept calling to see where we were.

Once we got home I was practically mugged by the new puppy (a terrier/beagle mix), who luckily excepted me as part of the family right way. I hugged my dad, and then quickly ran to hide from my youngest brother who had come tearing out of the house. With much laughter and ridiculousness on the part of the dog and my brother we made our way into the house with all of my bags. While resting and waiting for the rest of the family to get home my dad and sister shared stories of the puppy, while my youngest brother showed me several of his newest card tricks (which I must say he is rather good at).

We had pizza for dinner (it was Papa Johns, not my favorite), in which more laughter was had then eating. I don't think it is possible for me to express the absolute craziness of my family and our dinner conversations. At one point my sister was laughing so hard that she was snorting (which is the normally the indication that we are being absolutely out of control and rather silly). After dinner I started some laundry and then left in the green monster (my parents old Chevy pickup) and went to see my best friend. We purchased a bottle of wine and drank through it while talking (we had not seen each other since May) and watched Misty Edwards 'search for relevance' message on YouTube. (You should check it out, its long but so worth it).

The next morning I ate breakfast and headed back to my parents to go shopping with my mom and sister. We also wanted to get our phone's figured out. After helping my mother organize and load the car with clothing to give to salvation army, we were on the road to Ithaca. Our first stop, At&t. Not only did I desperately need to get a new phone (my old one was four years old, falling a part, and dieing), we also had decided to add texting. Luckily we ended up with a 20% off, since my mum works for the City of Ithaca (amazing!). We had the most amazing customer support guy ever. I left we a new phone (which looks rather spiffy). Next was Walmart for water (we had forgotten to bring some with us), then off to Salvation Army with our boxes of clothing and other stuff. Finally we went up to the little Shops at Ithaca Mall and went shopping. My sister and I had fun picking out clothing for my Mom at Christopher and Banks. Then we went over to Gap to look for a birthday gift for myself. Amazingly we found nothing that I wants, the store was unfortunately not taken care of very well. Giving up we made our way back home to have lasagna and cake that my sister made.

After another rather reticules supper filled with good food, and laughter, was an amazing homemade cake for desert. Actually let me explain what the cake was, it was no normal cake. It was a dark chocolate cake with a hard Candie top made of white and milk chocolate. Then nicely arranged on top was raspberries and strawberries. It was amazing. Sorry if I made you all hungry, but it was better then I can describe it. Dinner and cake done we cleared the table, put the dishes in the dishwasher and started a game of pitch.

Pitch, for those of you who do not know it, is an amazingly fun game. Its in the same family as bridge. (If you want instructions on how to play I could maybe give you the basic rules, let me know). We played with partners, my sister and I together, the youngest brother with my mother and the elder brother with my dad. My sister and I won two games in a row (we are amazing like that). Then we all went off to bed (having church the next morning).

After church, during which I had a lot of 'its been a long time' and 'how are you?' thrown at me (it really is nice to see my church family I miss them all so much), we went home. At home my dad started the boys on chores (ie picking the winter squash out of the garden) and we all ate lunch (mostly left over chicken b-que). My father and I sat down and watched the beginning of the Texas/Giants game (in which the Giants were very much winning). I then went and had a very long and amazing nap. Then we had stake, beats, and squash for dinner (my best friend joined us), with the rest of the amazing cake for desert.

Monday I woke early and together left with both of my parents to make the trip back to philly. I had convinced my mother to join my dad and as I was hoping to do a little shopping (I still needed a B-day gift). We made the trip in good time (watching the fall colors flash by). We stopped at the Kind of Prussia mall, where we drooled over Burberry, ate lunch, made out like a bandit in Ann Taylor, and found an amazing rain jacket in Sears. Our shopping complete we jumped back on the road and arrived in Philly just before the start of rush hour. My parents helped me get my stuff out of the car and into the apartment (made fun of my messy room), and then left again. I took a quick nap, went grocery shopping, and made dinner and went to bed. All in all a very crazy, fun, and all around amazing weekend at home. Of course I am now 25 year old... meaning as my sister says 'quarter of a century young'. Any one else feeling old right now?

Split in Two

My heart is split in two
One half lives as ever a child
wide eyed, impatient, lovingly kind
eger to dream of pirates and daisies
dreaming lazily away with the clouds
the other lives in the future
a dark place where grown-ups live
where the foolishness of a child
quivers and dies like a rose covered in frost
where such things as planning
work, money, and worries abound.

My heart is split in two
one half lives in the house of a child
the other in the world filled with cares
one wishes that things would never change
the other changes quickly and forgets
one like the springtime full of wonder.
one like the fall, growing ever colder.
yet together they dream, together wish
of a place not of this world, no
rather of a world to which my soul

Belongs.

So my heart wishes to grow older
yet can not relinquish its childish wizdom
my soul longs for something far greater
longs for completion, longs for love
for I am not of this world
So for now I am split in two.

Its So Monday

Its cold, rainy, windy, and rather gross outside at the moment. Its definably fall. My ride into work this morning was rather chilly, despite bundling up. Annoyingly by the time I got to work I was sweaty. Thankfully its be kind of slow most of the day here at work, although I had a meeting this morning. And I'm very grateful that I get to go home to my parents house this weekend.

For those of you wondering I made it through the GRE. Afterward my brain felt made of mush. It took me until Sunday to feel like I could actually think straight. The problem is that I went straight from Test mode to I really want to go on vacation mode. So the problem today is at least part of my brain is already at home, hanging out with the fam and meeting the puppy (which they have had for almost four months). The joke I have with my brothers is that my brain travels more then I do. I used to ask my little brother were is was and he would answer somewhere crazy, like Iceland, China, or my favorite hitchhiking in Ohio. But as nice as it is to be able to travel all over the world, I would really love to just go home and see my family.

Just

Just don't move, don't breath, don't make a sound
Just hold it in, block it in, keep it all inside
Just let the darkness over run your heart and mind
Just don't move, don't breath, don't make a sound

Just scream in silence, just run without moving
Just keep dreaming, just keep on not doing
Just let the darkness control you emotions
Just scream in silence, just run without moving

Just stay away from all the sunlight
Just stay away from all the hope filled crazies
Just keep on dreaming, just don't do 'nothing
Just stay away from all the sunlight

Just don't let anyone in
Just don't let anyone in
Just don't let anyone in
They'll see what really in you heart

Just don't move, don't breath, don't make a sound
Just scream in silence, just run without moving
Just stay away from all the sunlight
Just don't let anyone in, and you'll be alright.

But you'll not feel any love
Your heart a stone, unable to break
Just able to get by, you'll never live
Just don't let anyone in, and you'll be alright.

Slings and Arrows

Because this was stuck in my head, and I think it is rather brilliant.

Cheer up Hamlet,

Chin up Hamlet,
Buck up you melancholy Dane.
So, your uncle is at hand,
Murdered Dad and married Mum,
That's really no excuse to be as glum as you've become.
So, wise up Hamlet,
Rise up Hamlet,
Buck up and sing the new refrain.
Your incessant monologizing fills the castle with ennui,
Your antique disposition is embarrassing to see,
And by the way you sulky brat, the answer is To Be!
You're driving poor Ophelia insane!
So, shut up, you rogue and peasant!
Grow up, it's most unpleasant!
Cheer up you melancholy Dane.

Working Lunch

Yesterday I worked my lunch. Or I guess I should say that I had a lunch meeting, ate pizza and had some training. So yesterday I got paid for a total of 9hours. Fun. It is a really crazy and kind of cool thing that my company is testing. To offer premium support or not to offer premium support, that is the question... We shall see what happens. The test is suppose to start today and what we like to call crazy customer Thursdays. Again I say fun!

Cramming My Brain Full

Saturday I am taking the GRE test, so that I can start the process of applying to several Graduate programs. Most of the programs I'm interested in do not require the GRE, only University of TX at Austin and one of the NYC schools. Over the last couple of months I have been cramming my brain full of math I've almost completely forgotten since high school and words that I do not normally use. All this in the name of getting a good score on this test.

Studying is always interesting for me. I need lots of repetition and practice. In math I need to be able to actually do problems to study, not just read how its suppose to work. I wish I had a math book with a ton of practice sheets. At this point I don't have that. Hopefully I can remember all the formulas. I'm amazed how much of this I have forgotten. So in the interest of cramming my brain full of information before Saturday. I am going to go study and leave this entry very short. Wish me luck...

Crazy Weekend

I think I gave you a little idea of what my weekend was going to look like, but let me tell you how all the craziness went.

It started on Friday. Our CEO's birthday was this past week, so he took us all out to a local bar/resterante. So I had a couple of drinks (for free) and ate really amazing fries. I also got to talk with a couple of my co-workers that I don't know as well, which was nice. Afterward I rode my bike home, right as it was getting dark. I made it home in one piece, happy that the trafic was almost non-exsitant. Once home I did dishes, packed and cleaned some of the apartment. Unfortunatly I did not fall asleep well and was very tired the next morning.

Saturday was a very nice day. Tired as I was I managed to get out of the house in time to make it to the train station. Me, my heavy bag and purse, sat down next to a window and waited for the train to leave 30th street station. Annoyingly I ended up riding backwards (although luckly I do not get motion sensitive on trains) so I could not see what was coming. The cool part about riding backwards was watching the Philly skyline slowly grow farther and farther way. The train ride was nice, I napped and listened to my nano.

I arrived practically a full three hours before the wedding. But it was nice, since I needed to eat lunch. Also luckily the church was only about twelve minutes from the station, so that made life easy. I sat down on the river front and watched the boats and people pass by, while eating my bagel and cream cheese (lunch). Finally I went into the church. It was an instant reunion. Theatre majors and other Messiah people. I had not seen most of them for months, almost a year. And the church was wonderful, lots of dark wood and stain glass. It was an Episcopal Church, and the service was very traditional. My favorite part was that the bridesmaids and groomsmen all read prayers over the couple. And even though it was very ritualistic, it was still beautiful.

After the Ceremony a bunch of us went to Barnes and Nobles to hang out before heading to the reception, since there was a good amount of time. Its nice that we can just pick up were we left off. We talked about jobs, what we are doing, where we are living and everything we had missed over the past year. After a little while of browsing through books and getting coffee/other drinks, we decided to head to the reception. Finding the hall was fun, luckily I was not driving.

The hall was in a club and there was actually another wedding reception going on when we got there. Also nicely most of us were at one table, so we all knew each other and got to talk. There was also a bar, which had free wine and bear (again free alcoholic). We found our tables, which were organized by countries the couples had been too, I was China. Once we had claimed our seats, we went off to get drinks and cheese and crackers. Then we sat and talked while waiting for the wedding party.

It was not the most elaborate wedding I have ever been to, but that does not mean it was a good time. We eat and drank and danced and laughed, a good time was had by all. Finally, tired we slowly said our goodbyes, and made promises to keep better track of each other. Then we separated to different cars.

I was sleeping on a futon of some friends, thankful that I did not have to go to a hotel. We headed back to their apartment, which was very nice. Rather then going to bed right away to talked and they introduced me to a Canadian show 'Slinges and Arrows'. Yes its about Shakespeare, Yes its set in Canadian, and Yes we watched the first two episodes. Now I really want to watch all of the seasons (Netflix). Then we went to bed, very tired. The futon was amazingly comfortable.

Sunday we woke slowly and had breakfast. Then my friends drove me to the train station. Where I bought some snack food at the little store in the station and waited in line for the train. The train was a lot fuller going back to Philly, Sundays are always busy traveling times. The train itself was going all the way to NYC and had come from Pittsburgh. Luckily I was facing forward going back. Once I got into the city I took the El back to my apartment, took a shower, went grocery shopping, made dinner, ate, and then went to bed.

Three things that struck me this weekend:

1) I really miss my friends and wedding make me feel very lonely.
2) I still feel very awkward at social events, I wonder if I will ever be comfortable with them.
3) When I saw the Philly skyline coming back, it made me very happy. Does that mean that I have finally gotten to the point where this place is home?

Any ones have great wedding stories they would like to share, or favorite part of the wedding I'm talking above?

Weddings, Meeting People, and Being Introverted

This weekend I am going to Harrisburg, by train. Weddings! Ok one Wedding, but I do feel like a lot of people I know are getting married. In fact most people I know around my age are married or have a 'serious' boyfriend. Weddings are great, but they do remind me how single I am. I also have yet to buy a wedding gift, I guess that's my chore tomorrow morning before going to the train. Figuring out what gift I'm going to give (love leaving things to the last minute).

But the best part of all of these weddings is the people. Its so nice to catch up with friends from college. But you also get to meet some interesting people.

The problem is that I am not really an outgoing person. Sure I can pretend to be outgoing, but in reality I am a introvert. I like being by myself, reading a book or writing. I think some days I might become a hermit. So when I have to go to a wedding or some party, I feel the need to push myself to be outgoing and interesting and extroverted. Like last night when I was at the first home group meeting of the fall, I made my self be outgoing. I kind of played a part, which is when my acting training comes in handy. But in reality I would have been more silent, less outspoken, among people I do not know. But I make myself be outgoing. I think its my grandparents (who are sales people and both very outgoing), because they are outgoing I feel like I have to be too.

Does this mean that I am being disingenuous? And is any one else single and annoyed by all their married friends?

Subway Lalabuy

Sing me to sleep on the rattling train car
which rush though the electronically lit night
rushes over and down below.
Sing me to sleep oh oh oh

On this subway car, sing me away
in this empty brightly lit car
On this subway car, sing me away
For this is the subway lullaby
for those awake this late at night

Dance me around and settle me down
while lights rush by and the rhythm
of train and stations, beats out my yawns
Dance me around oh oh oh

On this subway car, dance me around
in this empty seat filled car
On this subway car, sing me away
For this is the subway lullaby
for those awake this late at night

And for all of those who stay awake
who's day is night and night is day
who love this well lit jungle gym
I guess I'll join you for a bit
Singing and dancing away the light
Til morn' brings forward sunrise bright
So sing me to sleep oh oh oh

On this subway car, on which I ride
in the empty bright city night
On this subway car, sing me away
For this is the subway lullaby
for those awake this late at night

Calling Out

Yesterday I woke up with a horrible headache. I believe it was just my allergies playing havoc with me, but it also could have been something else. I had had a rather random and crazy weekend. Let me give you the low down of what that all entailed. It started with going out to drinks on Friday with some people from my office (just two drinks, nothing crazy). Then I went home and had a little to eat and watched Close Encounters of the Third Kind all the way through for the first time (sad it took me this long to watch it, I know). The next morning I was up rather early and walked to the Gap store, to the bank, to the grocery store, and home. Then I rode the bus up to Manayunk and got really motion sick on the way there.

Dead Air's last performance was that night, and we had a great audience that really got into the show. At one point they were all shouting brains along with us (which had never happened before). It was nice to end on such a good note. Then after a couple of drinks I got a ride home around 12:30ish and was in bed by 1:30am.

Sunday I woke up with my neck hurting on the one side, like I had slept on it wrong or pulled a muscle. I walked to Church, because there was a race Sunday morning and my bus was not running as normal. There was a picnic after Church with really good food and I met some people that I will most likely be joining for a home meeting. I took the bus home because I was not really up to walking another 45minutes. Once at home I took a nap did some reading and cleaning around the apartment then went back to bed.

Now as busy as that all that was, I don't think that any of it really directly influenced my head ache Monday morning. Maybe I just needed to get some extra sleep, or worse maybe I'm coming down with something. I will say that my allergies are still rather crazy today. Maybe I just really needed a mental health day. Who knows. Anyone else out there have a crazy weekend?

Secret Shopper

So, I did something rather ridiculous today. I played secret shopper for my company, shopping at a competitor. Crazy. I'm not going to state particulars, because that would be stupid. But it is really hilarious pretending to be someone interested in something, definably with computer stuff. I am a tech for a software company, and playing dumb so another tech at another company can try to sell me their software. 

The Second thing that's weird about doing this is that I can play back the call (because all calls are recorded at work) and listen to myself. It always amazes me how different I sound to other people. I hear myself completely differently. When I listen to recordings of myself I sound so much younger. Amazing. I guess I need to adjust how I think I sound.

We're putting this down as another strange and new experience here in Philly. Working temp. for this company has definably taught me alot, even if they are under paying me.

Hit Me Hard

(because every time I think I can beat the rain home I get wet, but every time I chicken out it never rains).

Hit me hard, with little sharp drops
which drive themselves into my skin
dribble down my back, and off my nose
spray up my legs, and across my face
Try to blow me over, over, over
while I struggle against the river
running down the street
Bike sloshing, tires skating
through the flood.
Soak me through to the bone
and passing cars, drivers dry
will laugh and shake their heads
while I wet, soaked, dripping
bike in the thunderstorm
I thought I would make it
I thought I could make it home
And not get wet.
So hit me hard, with rain
Light up my way with lightening
just get me home in one piece
soaked and ratty and worn
breathing hard and cold
Once home, I'll hang
all those dripping pieces in front
of a fan and warm up with a shower
of warmer water then what nature
spit at me two minutes before.
Home laughing at the cold wet outside
Laughing at my outrageous need
to bike in weather so mean
So hit me hard, later I'll laugh

Lose Me Too

Lose me too,
lose me in the darkness
lose me some where green
lose me where you got lost

loosen up the northern winds
loosen up the shadow game
loosen up the ties that bind
and lose me to

If I was lost, just like you
away out there some where
If I was lost, just like you
away to the electrical lands
I'd lose you where I got lost

So lose me too.

Being a Good Neighbor

Liberti, the church I have been going to recently (and will most likely be joining as member soon), is doing a in depth look in to the Gospel of Luke this fall. They're calling it 'Finding Your Self in His Story'. They even made up these cool little devotionals that walk through Luke and concentrate on how we pray. This past Sunday we looked at the parable of the seeds and our own hearts in the process. I've realized something, I'm a lot closer to the seed with the weeds choking it then the seed in the good soil. I don't have a hard heart, or a shallow heart, I have a busy heart. 

From Shirt.Woot.com

I love theatre, I love writing, I love art, my family, my friends, and a lot of things. The problem is that all of these things are vying for number one on my priorities. And because of that I struggle to be productive and proactive in anything and everything. Yes I'm making excuses for my amazing ability to be a procrastinator in all things. But really the issue is getting rid of the things that really stand in the way, and changing my way of thinking.

Now what does that all have to do with the title of this post, 'Being a Good Neighbor'?

Last night my down stairs neighbors decided to start 'talking' very loudly at about 1am. Of course I could hear almost all of the 'converstation' happening downstairs, which is the amazingly annoying thing about living in row houses. What I originally thought was an argument, was actually a young women telling her boyfriend that she is going to have his kid. (He was not happy with this at all). Now I don't know much about my neighbors down stairs, there are a couple of women with two very cute little girls and other people who are always going in and out.

What surprised/annoyed me was that at 1am in the morning, three or four adults were practically yelling at each other, while one of the kids was screaming in the back room. Now I like to think of myself as a rather laid back person, but being woken up at 1am when I have to work the next day, and being kept up for another hour and a half, by random loud outburst, which would set the kids crying again, changes a person. After shooting off several 'choice' words in the dark of my bedroom while I lay awake on my bed, listening to the ridiculous 'coversation' I realized I had no idea how to handle the situation.

WWJD? Cliche I know, but I mean it. How in the world is a Christian suppose to handle that situation? Should I just stomp on the floor and swear till I can get back to sleep, or is there a better way? Part of me wanted to just open my door, and yell down the staircase from them to shut up, but I doubt that would actually have helped. And as unpolitically correct as this might sound, last night made me feel very white, very privileged and very out of my comfort zone. I guess that I have to work on being a better neighbor and more comfortable with the people on me street.

Any suggestions on how to deal with loud neighbors? Or even how to better organize my life so I get things done? How to not be a procrastinator?